


Next Saturday

by YamiTami



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Oral Sex, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-23
Updated: 2011-06-23
Packaged: 2017-10-20 16:26:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 37,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/214712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YamiTami/pseuds/YamiTami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave and Hal have been living their own quiet misery, near as two men can be and yet they are miles apart. Their separate Saturday night routines are closer than they think.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Breaking Point

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to someone else's fanfic. The idea just got stuck in my head and I couldn't get it out. Here's the fic, it's a oneshot: http://mgs-slash.livejournal.com/219396.html
> 
> And onwards.

David cracked the seal, lifted the whiskey bottle to his lips, and took a few burning gulps before throwing the glass into an open dumpster. The alcoholic in him mourned the loss of the cheap booze, but the rest of him knew it wouldn't help.

Every woman he'd seen was just another reminder of who he didn't have.

He made his way back to the apartment with a step much steadier than he usually had. He took his time, knowing that Hal set Saturday nights aside for something that left him blushing for half of Sunday morning.

 _Probably watching some gay anime porn... but that's just wishful thinking on my part, isn't it? Hmph... it's not like it matters._

He turned down a street that would take him another few minutes out of the way.

 _He has to know where I go every weekend. What I'm doing. He deserves better._

David's mind drifted to imaginings of the two of them lying entwined, tasting that pale skin, gently stroking the other's hair as they drifted off to sleep. It was hard to tell whether the images of passion or those of tenderness were doing the most damage. Either way, he'd fallen _hard_. And if this failure of a Saturday was any indication, he wasn't getting up any time soon. In more ways than one.

He reached their building, the fifth tiny apartment in four months. Deciding that he didn't want to face the possibility of running into Hal when the whiskey was just kicking in, David scaled the crumbling brick and climbed onto the fire escape. When he got to their floor he pulled out his Lucky Strikes and lit one off.

 _He deserves better than me, than this life... He paid his penance a long time ago; he shouldn't have to spend three weeks in one spot before uprooting and moving on to the next mission. Hell, I'm trained for it and it's wearing on me._

He ran his hand through his hair and took another drag.

 _Hmm... wonder what happened to that damn bandana..._

~~*~~

Hal settled in against his pillows, worrying his lower lip between his teeth and flushing dark with embarrassment. On this particular Saturday he wound the strip of blue cloth around his fingers and wrist, guiltily relishing the feel of the worn-soft fabric against his skin. His other hand was pressed against his stomach, unmoving, as he tried to pretend that the pale fingers with too few calluses could ever be _his_.

 _Maybe after a hard mission,_ he thought, _one where our cover was blown just enough that he couldn't go out and find a ride. He'd have that look in his eye, that... uhn, that **feral** look in his eyes and he'd have to work of the... frustration... somehow..._

Even without saying it aloud, the reasoning sounded incredibly weak. Not to mention the sad fact that even in his _fantasies_ he could never imagine David wanting him for the sake of wanting. It would have to be desperation, a matter of having no other options...

He pushed back the reasons and focused on the details. He wanted to think of David as a gentle lover, probably the side effect of too much sugary fanfiction, but he knew better. It wouldn't be like that, and images of tenderness wouldn't be enough tonight. Not while he was laying on his back breathing in the traces of his best friend's scent still clinging to the bandana, trying to pretend the fragile hand creeping across his hip was a soldier's hand.

 _Rough... god, he'd be **rough**._

Hal's fingers moved, curling around the opposite hip with as much force as the angle allowed.

 _The next morning I'd have bruises shaped like his hands on my hips. Bruises on my wrists and shoulders from where he'd pin me down._

He pressed the heel of his palm into his slowly hardening member, just a little harder than necessary. He gasped at the pain filled pleasure.

 _Pin me to keep me from thrashing when he touches me... I'm so pathetic. He'll say something, something that borders insulting and playful and then hold me down. So easy, it'd be so easy for him. I wouldn't be able to get away... oooh..._

Sharp, harsh rubs against the fabric of his underwear and pajama pants. Hal longed for the texture of skin on skin, but he knew it wouldn't be like that. David would tease him first.

 _Torment me with light touches, not letting me get to his skin. He'll **have** to pin me down to keep me from grabbing at his clothes. He'll growl and kiss me hard and probably slap my thigh and..._

Hal lost track of the specifics as he slid his hand under the waistband. His fantasy lost coherency and dissolved into a swirl of erotic imaginings.

~~*~~

David sighed almost-contently as he took another drag. The cigarette took the edge off in a way alcohol never could.

 _My second favorite addiction_ , he thought with a touch of self depreciating humor as he flicked the ashes away. _Trumped only by a scrawny 'otaku' who won't get out of my head_.

It was a quiet night with a steady breeze winding through the buildings. Leaning against the railing with a cigarette in his mouth, he found it a little easier to think about what Hal would be like. A little less painful.

 _Quiet. He'll be quiet... and what noises he does make he'll try to bite back. I'll have to coax it out of him. Mmmm...hot little whimpers leading on to hotter whispers, asking me for more, and I'd **never** be able to tell him no._

He knew he was going to fantasize himself into a cold shower and he decided he didn't care. It should happen one time when he wasn't drunk and pounding some slut into a brick wall.

 _I'll get all our buttons and zippers undone while I'm kissing him. I won't be able to last long without getting to his skin. Pull off his shirt first, kissing his throat and finding all the tender spots. I'd have to be careful not to bite him or suck too hard; pale skin marks easily and he wouldn't like the attention that comes with a dozen red marks all over his neck. Lower down..._

He allowed himself a devious grin.

 _Lower down I might get away with it. Tease him a little while I'm working his cock out of those damn tight boxer briefs by nipping at some patch of skin just above the line of hair. Work at the bruise until he can't take it anymore and he **begs** me... and there'll be the perfect mix of a sigh and a gasp when I start sucking him off._

Dave shook his head and ground out what was left of his cigarette on the railing. He needed to get inside soon before the hardness between his legs became impossible to conceal; knowing his luck he'd run into the man who inadvertently caused it before he could get to that cold shower.

~~*~~

 _-a slick finger tracing a wet trail down my spine before-_

 _-biting my shoulder and marking me as his for anyone to-_

 _-throwing the shower curtain back and pinning me against-_

 _-reaching down and rubbing me hard while he whispers sexy-_

Snippets of what could never be flew though Hal's mind as his fingers danced over stiff, hot flesh. His other hand remained pressed to his mouth, partially to muffle his cries, but mostly to have that piece of Dave closer to him. He was lasting longer this night, building up slowly and almost forgetting that he was the only one in the room. But not quite.

 _-threading his fingers in my hair when I go down on-_

 _-grinning as he kisses the red spot on my hip that he-_

 _-stretching me roughly while he pumps his length with-_

 _-holding me face down on the bed so he can push into-_

The strokes came faster and so did the images, blurring into an overwhelming sense of hard muscles and green eyes, the sound of a rough voice growling rough words, the taste of him that could only be something intoxicating. It was more intense than it had ever been, and nothing was going to bring him out of it until he came, not the empty room or the worn cloth or the cool breeze running over his sweat slick skin.

 _-pin my wrists above my head when he says that-_

 _-getting me relaxed by blowing in my ear so he can-_

 _-a slow shudder when I slowly push myself down on-_

 _-biting the pillow when he pounds me so hard I won't be-_

Hal arched into his too smooth hand, threw his head back, and _moaned_.

~~*~~

Dave turned back to the building to pick the lock on his window and skip the front door... stopping when he remembered that he and Hal had switched rooms so the programmer could hijack wireless. The soldier glared at the long pane of glass that was more of a door than a window, designed for easy access to the fire escape. Also an incredible security risk, which is why he claimed the room in the first place. When Hal found out that the exposed room got a far better signal than the secure one, the argument was long and bitter. The programmer just couldn't see _why_ Dave wanted him in a bedroom with a tiny window, didn't understand that all it would take was some crazy guy with a brick, or worse, _Ocelot_ and-

David's blood froze when he heard an indistinct noise coming from the window. On closer inspection he saw that it was open a crack. It could be as simple as Hal forgetting to close it all they way, but the programmer was also a softer target than a battle hardened bastard...

He snapped into soldier-mode, Snake-mode, and objectively assessed the possibilities even as the part of him that was still Dave worried enough to be physically sick.

Snake inched towards the open window, sliding around so his back was against the brick wall of the building. He clenched his fists tight and silently promised whoever might be hurting _his_ Otacon a painful and bloody death, even as he moved his ear close to the crack and listened for-

A low, pleased hum.

His eyes went wide.

A strangled sound, somewhere between a gasp, moan, and possibly someone's name.

The soldier side fell away, detachedly amused that _this_ was what Hal did on Saturday nights. But then that cool, objective voice was gone, and Dave was left with nothing but shock and a deep throbbing that got worse every time Hal made a sound.

 _He's close... oh god, he's close._

His legs stopped working and he only barely managed to remain upright against the wall, grabbing the rail for support. His whole body was trembling and he'd only heard his partner moan. What would happen if he saw...

Dave gulped, knowing he _shouldn't_ but he did anyway, leaning around just enough to see inside the room. No curtains to disrupt his view, possibly enough light from the street...

The solider had to bite back a moan of his own at what he saw. There were enough silvery moonbeams to highlight the important details. The splay of his fingers against the skin of his abdomen. The curve of his back when he arched off the bed. His lower lip caught between his teeth when he threw his head to the side.

Panting for breath and wondering if he'd ever been this hard, David slammed back into the wall. He couldn't even try to calm down, quell the sudden rush of desire and get inside before he did something stupid. He didn't even have the presence of mind to reach down and ease the unbearable heat between his legs. He just stood there, eyes closed and body trembling, as his mind ran away with the incredible image of Hal in the throes of passion.

~~*~~

A few years ago it wouldn't have mattered. He would have just kept going and forget about it completely by the time he was... through. A few years ago it wouldn't have even registered.

But it was _after_ Shadow Moses, after Big Shell, after he'd come face to face with cold, hard reality. So when he heard the slight clatter of a cheap window being knocked into the frame, he froze. He withdrew his hands, wiping the one off on the sheets with a certain measure of embarrassment, the adrenaline giving him the focus to ignore the pressure that was _not_ dissipating in spite of the danger.

He wished Dave was there as he got up off his bed, wished his soldier was with him as he reached for the drawer with the M9 in it.

~~*~~

 _I need to get out of here. If I hear him moan again... damnit, legs, **move**! He's going to catch me, he's going to see me standing here shaking and see how much **spying** on him turned me on, he's going to **know** and then I won't be able to get close to him at the table, sitting on the couch, he'll know what I'm doing when I brush up against him, rub his shoulders when hacking makes him tense, won't hear that carefree laugh because he'll be thinking that I want something from him and I **do** want something from him but I know he can't give it and I need to get out of here now, I need to-_

Before he even realized what was happening Snake reached out and grabbed the wrist that came thrusting out of the window. Still running on pure reflex, the soldier was inside the apartment within a second, slamming the window shut and locking it with one hand while griping his partner's arm with the other. His mind caught up with his body and he realized how _easy_ it was for him to get in, how stupid the hacker was for thinking he could do anything with an M9, how he could have been out banging some brainless fuck into an alley wall and someone could have come and taken Hal from him, _his Hal_ , the man he was supposed to protect because he loved him and he couldn't even get that part of it right.

His eyes were blazing when he looked up at Hal.

~~*~~

Everything spun out of control so quickly.

With the singular thought of protecting his computers and the data they contained, the things that he used to keep David _safe_ , he'd grabbed the gun and flung open the window, hoping to take the intruder by surprise just long enough to get a dart in. Instead he was grabbed and drug back inside the room as if he was nothing, the overwhelming power of having a mission falling away to be replaced with heart-stopping fear.

 _What if the viral traps spring too late and they get to the data before the hard drives can fry themselves? What will they do with the information about Philanthropy? What will they do to **me** \- Oh god, I won't be able to stand up under torture the way Snake can, all the things that aren't in the drives are in my head and they'll have them unless they accidentally kill me first. Will... will I have it in me to kill myself before they get too much? What... what about Snake? Will MeiLing be able to pick up where I left off? Will he miss me? Will he find me hours from now, broken and bloody and god knows what-_

His thoughts were roughly jarred into silence as he was slammed against the wall. He tried to bring the M9 up, to get some piece of his attacker, but he was easily disarmed, the gun thrown against the wall so hard that it discharged. Hal stared, with a sort of detached fascination, at the shadows where he thought the dart stuck. He was dealing with being captured by not dealing and he knew it, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

He took a deep breath to keep himself from panicking for as long as possible, and then he blinked when he took in the scent of whiskey and smoke and sweat and something else that just couldn't belong to anyone else.

~~*~~

Dave slammed Hal into the wall far harder than he intended to, but he was running on pure rage. He was angry at his partner for blatantly throwing the window open, sure, but he was mostly pissed at himself for letting Hal stay in an unsecured room, for leaving him all alone for a cheap, meaningless thrill once a week with such regularity that it wouldn't take the damn Patriots to figure it out. He was supposed to _protect_ Hal and he'd just abandoned him every Saturday as though he was nothing.

He knew he was mad at himself. That didn't keep him from snarling wordlessly at the man he had pressed against the wall by the window, both slender wrists clenched in his powerful hands, one pinned to the wall by the hacker's head and the other against a heaving chest. Hal was scared, he could _smell_ it, but the part of his brain dedicated to logic was lost among the adrenaline.

"... Dave?"

It was so soft he barely even heard it above the sound of his own ragged breathing, whispered uncertainly in that way that sounded like he was crying even if he wasn't. He hadn't heard that particular tone since Shadow Moses, and he _hated_ that he was the one making Hal sound like that.

But he still couldn't make himself stop.

Even though there was no way the hacker could ever break free of the grip David had on his wrists, the soldier pulled back and slammed him into the wall, pressing even harder. Hal didn't struggle, he just stared into the darkness with wide open eyes, likely unable to see David's face clearly due to the angle of the light. David could see his partner's expression, full of shock and shame and far, _far_ too much fear.

He started yelling. He did it because he was worried about his partner, and he never wanted him to take such a stupid risk again, but the words came out biting and cruel. He did it because he hated that he was worthy of the fear written plainly in those gray eyes. All he wanted to do was hold Hal in his arms _properly_ , kiss him breathless and _beg_ him not to put himself in such danger again...

And that's why he yelled. Because if he ever stopped he knew he'd do something he wouldn't be able to take back. The part of him still holding on to reason knew that he wouldn't be able to take _this_ back either, but the rest of him was too... too _scared_ to admit how much he cared about his partner. Too scared to handle the inevitable rejection.

So he yelled.

~~*~~

Hal closed his eyes when David started. He couldn't make out Dave's face anyway, but it was mostly because all the strength he'd found in himself after Shadow Moses just melted away. He was even less a man that the one who cowered in a locker as the two titans did battle outside. He couldn't block out the words, harsh and biting but oh so true, reminding him how foolish he was, how stupid it was to think that he could ever be strong if he didn't have Dave's support...

And worst of all...

He gritted his teeth as he tried to fight down his arousal. It had halfway gone in the face of the terror he felt at being tortured, but with Dave _so close_ it was coming back with a vengeance.

 _Oh god I can smell him, I can **feel** all the muscles in his arms..._ Hal had to fight down a hysterical giggle, _I was right, he's leaving bruises on my wrists. For the next week I can pretend like the pathetic, miserable weakling that I am_. David accentuated a particular point by rattling him against the wall and Hal had to bite back a moan. _Why am I such a masochist, especially with him? I love him so much, but if this is any clue then he still thinks of me as useful baggage._

It was getting hard to breathe.

~~*~~

Hal stopped being a passive player and started to visibly wince, flinch away with his entire body at the more biting comments. David struggled with himself but the floodgates were already open.

"Haven't you heard _anything_ I've told you? You're no good to me dead!"

 _I could never do this without you, Hal. I need you, professionally and..._

"Anyone could have come in that open window and done whatever they wanted to you!"

 _And I would have been out getting drunk, having a fuck that doesn't even leave me satisfied._

"Don't. You. _Ever_ do something that stupid again."

 _Never put yourself at risk like that, please don't. It's my job to get hurt, not yours._

"What were you _thinking_ , Otacon!?"

 _I should have **been** here for you. I could never deserve you._

"I've never s-"

A warm wetness fell on his hand and the tirade crashed into dust.

The programmer violently jerked his face around, catching his glasses on the wall and they slipped off his nose. The gnawing feeling in David's gut increased tenfold when he realized that the silver glimmers of light hadn't come from the metal frames, but from the hot tears that were streaming down his partner's face.

 _I... I made him..._

Hal was shaking, he was gasping, and he was _crying_. Those eyes, the kind eyes that haunted the soldier's dreams opened when the shouting stopped, full of the fear and the pain that _he_ caused to the man he cared about more than anything. Those eyes went wide before clenching shut again. The sobs started.

He'd done a lot of things in his lifetime as a soldier that he wasn't proud of. But there, that moment, feeling the tremors run through his partner as the hot tears rained down on his arms... David never felt lower.

"D-Dave, please..." came the shuddering whisper, "please don't be mad! I was just t-trying to, I mean, I heard you and I h-had to protect the d-d-data a-and," a pained intake of breath, "I was j-just trying to b-be helpful a-a-and I j-just _can't_ g-get any b-b-better a-and I-I'm so s-s- _sorry_..."

 _I have to **fix** this_ , David thought frantically. He released Hal's wrists but the other man just cried harder and grabbed two fistfuls of the soldier's shirt. Dave realized that Hal thought he was walking out on the argument but he _couldn't_ leave it like this, so he reached up and took his partner's face in calloused hands, trying to wipe the tears away, to get Hal to _look_ at him so he could apologize, take it all back even though he knew there was no way to take it back...

When the hacker finally raised his head and opened his eyes, David's heart stopped. Without thinking, he started to lean down. His logical side wondered if he was ever going to learn how to use his head.

~~*~~

Hal's sobs died in his throat when he saw how David was looking at him. He was... _aware_ of the other man before, but somehow his senses doubled. He could taste every breath, still tinged with alcohol and smoke, and he wondered how many kisses it would take to clear those flavors out, replace them with the taste of his own mouth...

David was leaning down. And his hands were still cupping the hacker's face. It could have been... Hal didn't know what it could have been, but it _wasn't_ because the soldier's gaze was focused solely _on his lips_. And he was leaning down, and Hal couldn't breathe, and suddenly his arousal seemed all the more-

David stopped.

For an instant that stretched to eternity, Hal stood there pressed to the wall with his partner's hands on his face, standing so close he could feel the incredible heat radiating off the larger man. The scent he'd long since memorized filled his senses. And that _look_ was there, the one that Hal knew meant he was frustrated. And not just irritated or angry, but _frustrated_. And he started to lean closer. And he was looking at Hal's lips.

Logic tried to take over before time started back up again. Hal told it to go to hell.

Before Dave had the chance to pull any farther away, Hal grabbed him by the hair and crushed their lips together.


	2. 12:14

David lived up to his name: _Solid_. He was steady as a rock when it came to his aim, his determination, and his unwavering control over himself. He didn't make unnecessary motions. He didn't say unnecessary things. Even if he was shocked to the core, or scared out of his mind, he never let it show and he _never_ let it interfere with his thought process.

Still, no man is impenetrable. Not even Solid Snake.

It happened once when he was a child, back when they started 'toughening him up' through deliberate psychological trauma. Once during basic when some nutjob broke into the audit offices.

And the third time in Shadow Moses.

He noticed a series of rivets that were rattling under the onslaught of the harsh Alaskan wind. The plate of metal shifted ever so slightly when a particularly strong gust hit the building. They were rusty under a thin layer of primer that was probably thrown on to conceal the damage. If it wasn't taken care of soon, the corner of the metal plate would come free, allowing more movement with the wind and ending in the whole thing falling out.

That's what he'd do. He'd still be aware, his reflexes just as good, his subconscious mind simply focused on some insignificant problem. Anything not to look at the broken dog on the grass. The mangled office girls.

The bloody arc that used to be his mentor and best friend.

This time it happened for a different reason; instead of trying to ignore the trauma, his subconscious was trying to prevent it. No action could lead to a 'happy ending.' If it didn't work out then they'd still have to work together and their effectiveness would take a hit. If it did work out then it would paint an even bigger target on Hal's back, and they'd still run the risk of getting to emotional in the heat of the mission. The mission always had to come first. Dave promised himself that.

 _The clock's reflecting off the window. Red. Kind of interesting effect against the brick wall backdrop... 12:14... It's just after midnight..._

No matter what he did he was going to hurt the man he cared about more than anything. Hal might have been the one pressed against the wall, but Dave was the one pinned. The hand splayed out on his chest, the lips moving across his neck, that lingering taste that he wished wasn't being overpowered by the familiar tang of tobacco... he couldn't _move_.

 _The frame needs some silicone caulk. Otherwise it'll leak like hell the first time it rains and all the electronics will get wet. Not to mention the carpet, which I'm pretty sure will bleed its dye everywhere. Hmm... what that would do to our deposit?_

Hal was sucking on Dave's neck hard enough to leave marks. The hand on the soldier's chest wasn't moving, but it was making the nerves _burn_ just from the contact. There wasn't just the base, sexual hardness there, but the need to _hold_ his partner and that was so much more dangerous.

 _This isn't a good location, except that no one would think to look in such a bad location. We need to get the funding back, somehow, before we both go crazy just from moving so damn often._

The hand on his chest stopped being stationary and slid down the hard muscles of his stomach, coming to rest on the hem of his jeans. Hal hooked two of his fingers in the belt loop and tugged forward _just enough_ to be a tease about it. About two seconds later, the programmer found a 'soft spot' where chin met neck and David _moaned_. Hal started a relentless assault on that patch of skin, one hand still on his partner's jeans and the other working on pulling the soldier's shirt free.

 _And... and..._

The fingers that touched his back were sticky.

~~*~~

He was still and stony and unresponsive except for that tiny, accidental moan, and Hal tried and tried to break through that barrier by kissing, touching, trying to physically and psychically project how much he _wanted_ his partner. He was starting to slow down, to give up, to doubt what he saw in that moment. Suddenly David stopped being a passive player and kissed him back. _Hard_. Hal fell into it, arms around the soldier's neck. A calloused hand cupped his cheek and a powerful arm snaked around his waist and he was pinned again, but this time it was _good_.

It was a crushing, wonderful kiss, and even when Hal ran out of air he didn't want to stop it. When he was starting to get lightheaded from more than _David_ he pulled away gasping; Dave immediately went to work on the programmer's neck. Hal, of course, had quite a few more 'buttons' than the soldier. A couple wet sucks and he was so weak in the knees he couldn't even stand. Luckily, he was wrapped in those deadly arms; he would have fallen to the floor otherwise.

He tried to say something.

 _Please-- Yes-- Oh god, Dave-- More--_

Anything.

 _I love you._

He opened his mouth and it was immediately claimed. The kiss was probing, demanding, and oh so _possessive_. Hal was so weak in the knees that he started sliding. Dave pulled him away from the wall and rearranged his arms, one around the hacker's shoulders and the other remaining around his waist, but lower so the mercenary could grab his partner's ass. The shift in their position pressed Hal's erection against David's leg and he whimpered.

Dave pulled back and his face was finally in the moonlight. A shadow (doubt? worry? anguish?) crossed his features in the space of a heartbeat before being replaced by that hungry look that Hal had been dreaming of ever since the Tanker's aftermath. Then he was peppering the hacker's cheeks with light kisses and shifting again so that their bodies were more... perfectly pressed together.

Still whimpering, still clinging, still being held in those powerful arms...

~~*~~

The skin under Hal's eyes was damp and salty; Dave pressed his lips to the hacker's face until no tears remained, all the while slowly rocking against Hal's hips. The stimulation wasn't enough, wasn't _nearly_ enough, but David had to be _sure_ that his partner really wanted it. That Hal wanted _him_ against all reason.

He'd thought about it, fantasized, had dreams that left him panting and rock hard, and there he was. Wrapped up in those skinny arms, the taste of _Hal_ almost overpowering the cigarettes after just a few kisses... the hackers lips were wet and pressed against Dave's neck, hot, quiet, breathy noises adding to his sensory overload. The friction, the _closeness_ , it enough to overwhelm the part of him screaming that the mission had to come first.

"Mmmmm..." he looked up at the ceiling at a particularly pleasurable rub, " _Hal_..."

His partner arched his back at the softly spoken name. The rough friction made David's entire body pulse with heat and desire.

 _Isn't enough. Nothing but everything could ever get there, but this isn't enough..._

David stepped forward and Hal's lust drunk legs tripped them both. This time when the soldier slammed his partner into the wall they both let out long moans instead of shouting and crying. After a few moments of heavy breathing and a sloppy meeting of teeth and tongue Dave adjusted their position. Claiming Hal's mouth for a proper kiss, he ran his hand down the hacker's thigh, leaning down so he could get a hand under the knee and pull his partner's leg up against his hip.

~~*~~

Hal broke away from the kiss and stared wide-eyed at Dave's shadowed face. Before he could even think about saying anything the soldier ground against him. The better angle made for better contact with denim-covered hardness and Hal gasped desperately for breath. They remained motionless for an achingly long moment and just as the programmer was lifting his head to ask why David wasn't _moving_ the other man did. Hal bit his lip to stop the impassioned cry that sprang from his lungs and tried to will his body to _work_ instead of just standing there limp like some kind of rag doll.

Hal fought for control of his spasming body and managed massaging the strong, twitching muscles of the mercenary's shoulders, moving one hand up David's neck and the other down across his chest. When he rubbed one hard nub his partner's breath hitched and he might have even looked a little surprised, but the light was too dim to be sure. Hal kept doing it as he tugged the soldier down for another uncoordinated kiss and was rewarded with a low rumble, a maybe moan maybe growl that he more felt that heard. He redoubled his efforts and David rocked against him even harder. Everything slipped away but the hard body pressed so close...

~~*~~

 _Keep going-- oh fuck, Hal-- slow down I'm too... uuuhn_.

David got a hand between their bodies and stroked Hal's erection through his pajamas and underwear. The programmer bit his lip against another moan and the next kiss was slightly copper flavored. Dave didn't want those cries bit back; he wanted to _hear_ his partner. The darkness that closed in on him when he was staring at the clock was receding at the heat of Hal's touch, but it needed to be _more_ if it was going to go away completely, even for a little while. The soldier wanted to know if his partner was getting off on this as much as he was, needed to know how _good_ he was making Hal feel. He needed to know that he was still human enough to love another person, even in a purely physical sense.

"Hal..." he whispered hotly in his partner's ear. The shiver that ran through the programmer's body was as stimulating as the friction. "Hal," he said again, almost reverently, before gently taking the earlobe between his teeth and tugging, flicking his tongue along the edge. Again, the moan was bitten back, half swallowed, suppressed.

" _Hal_ ," he whispered around the hacker's earlobe, "say my name."

The other man's breath hitched.

"Please," David pulled away so he could look into his partner's eyes, "moan for me."

~~*~~

Hal stared at the soldier, gaped, tried to pull his pleasure hazed brain back to reality to analyze the tone, the words. He was too close for things to be stopping, just a few more strokes, rubs, and he'd _be_ there. Far too far gone to see anything in that moonlit expression but someone to be kissed, to be clung to, someone who should be _moving_ instead of standing there doing nothing...

David's words penetrated the fog.

 _Say my name_.

"David..."

The hand moved again.

 _Moan for me._

"Ahn..."

The arm around his shoulders tightened enough to hurt.

 _Please_.

For so long the hacker saw those noises of pleasure as something to be hidden, something unnecessary, something shameful. Even in the heat of the moment he never forgot, but he was already raw and bleeding from his partner's earlier verbal onslaught. Laid bare, all it took was his deep unshakable desire to please his lover to push him over the edge.

"Don't stop, oh please don't stop, please David, oh god uhhn-- _Dave!_ "

He was there, he could see it, there was nothing else but David, nothing but his _partner_ , nothing but them standing pressed together the way they never should, just a little more...

"Ahn... Dave," _you're the only one_ , "keep going, please," _my salvation_ , "keep touching me," _Shadow Moses_ , "mnm... keep holding me," _Big Shell_ , "don't let me go," _saved my life_ , "please," _my soul_ , "David," _I can never belong to anyone else_ , "oh god, David," _not after tonight_ , "please..."

\--faster harder red vision fading to white the touch the friction the heat the wet kiss the gasping breath the--

 _You've broken me_.

He came.

~~*~~

 _Hindsight. It's always in the aftermath that things get really fucking clear. What you did right, what you did wrong..._

The hacker had a good head start but that didn't stop Dave from following him to oblivion mere moments after the strangled, wordless cry escaped his lips. The soldier was left gasping in the aftermath of an orgasm that felt less like pleasure and more like someone reached into his abdomen and ripped out his gut. The weight of what he just did came crashing down on him when Hal groaned and pressed his face into the mercenary's neck. David couldn't do anything but lean against the wall, braced on his forearms, and fail to slow his racing pulse.

 _I just scared him out of his mind, yelled at him when I was pissed at myself, made him **cry** , and humped him into the wall. All in the space of ten minutes..._ his ego cringed at how little time it took him, and Hal even had a head start. _Now we're going to have to talk about it and he's gonna want to know what the fuck just happened... what am I supposed to say? I **like** you so I jumped through your window and ground you against the wall?_

 _Don't forget the mission. There are no words for how much I just screwed up._

David was pretty good at facing the things he'd rather not, but this was not a case for such strength. It wasn't an enemy to kill, a machine to destroy, there were no clear line between success and failure. This was someone he cared about, and all the choices were varying shades of murky gray. There was no success. There was only varying degrees of failure.

 _Give me a Metal Gear staring me in the face. I might die but at least I'd know what to **do**._

~~*~~

 _Is there some book, somewhere, even printed as a gag... something that tells you what to do when your partner/best friend/crush leaps through the window in a terrifying and violent way, screams at you, kisses you-- okay, so maybe that was me but he was leaning down first!-- and then he... oh god I'm still shaking._

With no small effort, Hal pulled his face out of his partner's neck and squinted into the darkness. Dave was sort of collapsed against the hacker and the wall, leaning far enough forward that his face was once again in shadow. Only a sliver fell upon his features, highlighting his cheekbone and a couple sweaty locks of unkempt hair, the edge of his jaw line as sandpapery with stubble as ever...

It highlighted the wrinkles setting into his skin. It made his brown hair look gray. It reminded Hal that even if David wasn't killed by unnatural means, his own body was going to take him long before his time. The old familiar fear gripped him, intensified by the endorphins still cycling his system. He wanted David's days, however numbered, to be good. He wanted to be the one to make them good, in any way that he could.

He shook his head to clear those dark, dangerous thoughts, and tried to focus on the immediate disaster.

 _I kissed him first... even if he was leaning in for that, he was pulling away when I jumped him. He probably thinks I'm some kind of closet slut or really, really desperate_ \--he almost laughed out loud in self-depreciation-- _he hit it on the nose then, huh?_

Dave was starting to get his breathing under control, and that meant that he'd be able to think about what just happened. Hal was surprised to find that he wasn't panicking in his usual way, loud, stammering, making such wussy girly noises that it was practically a miracle that Dave put up with him in the first place. True, he'd grown out of those during his time with the soldier, but that stolen confidence tended to fail when he was close to the other man... and it'd be hard to get closer than they were.

It could have been hope swelling in his chest, but it felt cold and dark and all too familiar. An older false-strength was taking over, the one he shamefully built over the course of his twenties. It pointed out that Dave didn't take long to stop hesitating, that this was obviously okay...

 _What am I **thinking**? He's drunk, horny, and I'm trying to take advantage of--_

He was too weak to pull away when his soldier kissed him like _that_.

~~*~~

 _I didn't care like this before you came along. I loved Meryl, but not like this. Not so much that it fucking **hurts** just to see you like this..._

Hal raised his hand to cup David's cheek. That something he had been jerking off too was still loosely tied around his wrist. It took all the mercenary's willpower not to snarl at the thought of someone else touching Hal the way he'd been dreaming of, that his Hal was dreaming of just that. Dave slid his hand up the other man's arm, slipping his fingers underneath the cloth and carefully pulling it free. He didn't want Hal thinking of whoever it was. He wanted his partner to himself.

Whatever it was fell to the floor; Hal didn't seem to notice. They kept on kissing and David forced himself to take it slow this time, easy, not so hard it brought blood into the equation. The faint coppery tang was still there from when the programmer bit his lip against his cries. David gently sucked on his partner's nicked lower lip and the other man groaned softly, pressing up against him. The soldier went back to possessively exploring Hal's mouth.

He knew it was selfish to hold Hal this way. The mercenary _wanted_ his partner, not just for tonight but for every night until he died by bullet or virus or his own body failing him. He wanted to ease Hal's pain, but he knew he was just going to add to it. He needed to step away, to stop things before they went even further than they already did.

The hacker was arching his back every time David rubbed his neck. The softest whimpers escaped bruised lips every time they parted for air. The mercenary found himself unable to hold in his own quiet growls. Hal tangled his fingers in coarse hair, massaged the soldier's scalp almost unconsciously and tugged just hard enough for it to be a massive turn on; Dave found himself getting hard again.

In so many ways this was worse than grinding against each other. Before it was animalistic, instinctive, a result of too much testosterone and too much being alone. This... this was intimate. This was more than a one night stand. This is what David _wanted_.

He held the hacker tighter, as if it would keep this moment from slipping through his fingers. The other man responded in kind, fingers curling in his hair and bringing their kiss a little closer to the bruising it was before... Dave wanted to be the gentle lover that Hal deserved, but it was just against his nature to be that way all the time. He liked the particular way Hal reacted at the tenderness, but a more immediate, hormonal part of him _loved_ the way Hal's back tensed at every rough caress or hard meeting of lips and tongue. He wanted to start again, hear that stumbling pleading and encouragement from the start... and then he remembered _where this started_.

And still, Hal was kissing him.


	3. Trust

_He... he trusts me_.

The thought came from amidst the chaos of a million doubts clamoring for attention. His mind quieted, forever analytical, and he considered the word and concept even as he memorized the exact way David moved as he ran his tongue over the soldier's neck. It was a simple word, but one that hadn't been euphemized or exaggerated beyond recognition the way 'love' and 'hate' had. Trust was stronger, more unshakable that those better publicized emotions anyway.

 _You can't choose who you love, or how easy you fall-- just look at me. But you can choose who you trust and how much you trust them... he has to trust me to watch his back on a mission because I'm the only one who'll do it, but he doesn't have to trust me enough to relax around me. To be **Dave** instead of just Snake._

His thoughts drifted to the hard nights when space was limited and they had to share a bed. Sheer torture, being so close to his soldier and not being allowed to touch, terrified that he'd mumble something in his sleep and the soldier would _hear_... but Dave trusted him enough to sleep soundly in the same hard hotel bed or the same tiny full size mattress thrown on the floor of the sleazy apartment of the month. Particularly in those cruel days in the wake of the Tanker when David was still recovering from massive trauma and he had to lean on his partner so much...

 _He was still drowning in the wreck, being pulled under by the suction... he's never been in the spotlight like that, he didn't have years of high school as a skinny nerd to buff him up against that kind of attack. He's still one of the strongest people I know, but he couldn't ignore that much civilian hostility like I could. He was **hurting** and he was hiding it like a good soldier, like the epitome of man that he is... but he let me see some of it. Not only did he lean on me when his leg wasn't quite healed, but he let me see that look on his face after a trip out into reality with our faces plastered across everything in the worst possible way._

It was during those days that the soldier started calling the skinny nerd his partner. Those were the days when Hal's lingering superhero crush blossomed into something a little more real. It all came down to that little five-lettered word.

 _He... he **trusts** me. He trusts **me**_.

The kisses came a little more forceful, moving from the soldier's mouth across his cheek, down his neck... and Dave tilted his head back to give the hacker better access. Bared his jugular, his windpipe... how long did he say it took to die from a crushed larynx? Hal could never act out that kind of violence, but Solid Snake _did not_ make himself vulnerable to anyone because anyone could be an enemy.

 _I'm such a security risk. If any enemy got a hold of me I would crumble so fast... but he still trusts me. He's still with me after the Tanker.... Shell... I screwed up, but he still stuck with me. Some of it's what I know, what I can do, my convictions... but my convictions are part of **me** , not Otacon the Hacker but **Hal** the **Man**. We laugh together. No so much since this cloud settled over us but before we would drink together. We were... **are** friends_.

Dave made another sound expressing how much he liked what his partner was doing to his neck. It was still a growl, it would always be a growl with him, but... it was also something better. Something that let Hal know how much power David was giving him. Dave _trusted_ him with that.

 _And I trust him. Not just Snake, not just the solider, I trust him with things I've never trusted anyone with. I told him... I told him about Julie before I had to_.

He shut his eyes tight. It wasn't enough to ward off the memory breaking in to poison this moment of intimacy with the one person who could keep _her_ ghost at bay.

 _I told him about her before I had to and he never looked at me... the way anyone else would look at me. He was surprised, he was mad at her, but there was none of that pity mixed with the overwhelming sense of 'stay away, you're unclean.' He still respects me even though I don't deserve it_.

Hal kissed the soldier's lips with a hesitant tenderness that seemed out of place after the way he was going at his partner's neck, the way they'd ground against each other not minutes before. But he needed to consciously cancel out his step-mother's lingering hold. He needed Dave to be the last person to kiss him like.... that.

David paused at the sudden change of gears, but as always he adapted to the situation quickly. He pulled the programmer against his chest and claimed his partner's lips. It was probing and thorough and _gentle_. Like a _lover_. The way... it should...

Hal _wanted_ the tenderness. He craved it. He _needed_ it. But being given it just reminded him of where they were, made him think of all the others, made him wonder if Dave had been as obliging with them...

 _That can come later_ , he thought as he switched back to the passionate, eager-to-please lay, _the feelings... they can wait. Right now all I need is to touch him and show him how good I can be... if this keeps going then maybe things will grow..._

Even inside his own head it sounded like the plot to a cheesy fanfic. Perhaps it was the result of reading too much unrealistic sap. But Hal clung to that thought like a lifeline because it kept the hope that _someone_ would want him just barely alive.

 _If it has to be physical at first then that's okay. The important thing is that we trust each other. The rest... that can wait. Just touching him is enough. Just being his, one night at a time, is enough._

Some part of him knew better. Maybe it was his conscious screaming at him from behind a thick woolly wall built of desire and want and the eternal terror of being alone forever...

 _Isn't using him like this a violation of that trust? If he doesn't trust you anymore, then won't you be left with nothing?_

It wasn't loud enough to cut through. He pressed on.

~~*~~

 _Damn, Hal, holding back is fucking difficult when you do that_ , the soldier thought as he struggled with his own desires. He'd never been too good at controlling his impulses, doubly so when it came to the skinny anime-obsessed nerd. _I don't know why you put up with me; even at the time I could tell I was being a jackass in Shadow Moses and you still followed me, came back for me, knocked some sense into my thick skull, gave me a reason..._

When hesitant lips softly met his, Dave drank up the kiss like a drowning man would water. _Gotta let him steer this time. Let him set the boundaries. I can't push him like that again, not with his past._

Hal suddenly switched gears back to hot, passionate, and _rough_.

 _Uhng... easier said than done_.

In an effort to regain some semblance of control David ran his hands down the hacker's hips and started rubbing against him again. Lightly, slowly, not enough to be oppressive-- _he's the one in charge, **remember** that--_ but enough to get those shivers and quiet gasps going. Unfortunately the act quickly became uncomfortable due to the... remnants of their first shared orgasm. Dave stopped the pressure and tried to figure out some way to take care of the problem despite the distraction of Hal's insistent kisses. The easiest fix floated up through the haze and the legendary soldier actually _blushed_.

 _Get his pants off. Lick him clean. Make new messes._

It was a simple mission. _Not_ carrying it out was a whole new level of complicated.

~~*~~

For the first time that night the bone-crushing fear was easily dispelled by a logical statement: _it's really not as nice... sticky_. Not to mention the soaring elation brought on by the fact that _Dave_ started the rubbing again, meaning he wanted to keep going that route. Hal wanted that friction back, _immediately_ , but his brain was too preoccupied with the particular way his partner tasted to be of much help. The only thing he could think of was going to the bathroom for a warm damp towel and... resolving the issue. The door was right there, just a couple yards away, but it might as well have been a light year.

 _I can't stop touching him. I **can't** , for one thing, and besides... what if he comes to his senses?_

Calloused hands moved across his back, drawing a burning line all the way up to his neck. The soft, baggy t-shirt he wore to bed was pushed up nearly halfway, and for a moment it seemed like Dave was going to pull it off completely. The dread of being half naked, exposed, instantly morphed into the annoyingly familiar fear of not being wanted when those hands retreated to his shoulder blades.

 _Why would he reach out and then pull back? Is he having second--_ one of those hard, possessive kisses that Hal was already addicted to--ohhh... maybe not. But why? He's wearing jeans; that has to be a lot worse than loose pajama pants. Taking my shirt off would be a natural lead in to... good things. He doesn't normally hesitate like this. What is he **waiting** for?

~~*~~

Most people who'd met him would assume that the thing Snake hated most was being out of control of the situation. They'd also be wrong. He was a soldier; there were orders to follow. In the post-REX days things were far less 'need to know,' but Otacon was still the one making the decisions. Being in control of the people he met during the mission... that was just a way to make sure the mission got done. What he really hated most was having a mission and not knowing how to get to the goal.

Something had to happen. They were moving towards ecstasy but there were so many immovable barriers in the way. Sticky denim, for one. Less physical and more difficult to get rid of was the worry of pushing Hal too hard, too much, too fast. The seething hate Dave felt for 'Whatsherbitch' was rising to a steady boil behind the overwhelming desire clouding his senses, keeping him just restrained enough not to simply throw Hal down on the bed, strip him down, and have his way. He'd already _done_ that against the window frame; he had to get it right this time. Hal deserved that. Hal deserved a hell of a lot more than that.

He silently repeated it like a mantra, _stick to the plan; don't hurt him_. He'd be okay so long as he stuck to that. Even though the hot whimpers he drew from the hacker's lips were addictive. Even though the long, slender fingers tugging at his hair was hotter than he'd ever fantasized. He held fast, he had to. He sure as hell couldn't go back to his usual Saturdays after finding out how goddamn _good_ his partner was. Unfortunately, it was how _good_ Hal was that made it hard to stay on mission.

 _Don't hurt him. Let him move. Let him decide. Don't hurt him, Snake. Don't hurt him._

~~*~~

Hal ran his hand down the other man's abdomen. Felt those hard muscles twitch, heard the hissing escape of breath, and he definitely felt the teeth closing down on his earlobe and _tugging_ once again.

 _Everything points to Dave wanting this, so why isn't he **going** for it? He's not only hesitating, he's pulling back... but it doesn't seem like he's reconsidering being here. Then again I'm so bad at reading people it could be anything._

In frustration Hal ground against his partner despite the unpleasant sticky friction. Somewhere during their shared groan David slid his hands half under the waistband of the other man's pants, rubbing in a delicious less-than-gentle way before descending upon the hacker's neck. Standing there with his head thrown back so far the top of his skull touched the wall, palms pressed against hard abs, arms tensed, back taut, it occurred to him.

 _He... is he...?_

Hal froze as the realization hit him like a brick.

 _He's letting... me... be in control...?_

~~*~~

It all fell away when Hal suddenly tensed in his arms, and not in the good back-arching way the soldier was going for. He pulled back from the assault on his partner's neck and found wide gray eyes staring at him. The hacker's expression was somewhere between dazed and... something that Dave couldn't even identify. It wasn't scared, at least, more... surprised than anything. He thought back, tried to detangle the fresh memory of touchtastepleasure and pinpoint what triggered this reaction. He came up empty, which worried him even more. He couldn't fix something if he didn't know what was wrong.

His thought process was derailed when Hal sucked his lower lip between his teeth and started worrying on it. He only did that when he was puzzling out a particularly difficult piece of code, and the sight had always been one that stuck with Dave under the 'hot as all fucking hell' category. Seeing it three inches in front of his nose, Hal's skinny form pressed against him, hormones already out of control...

"Hmph," he exhaled as he kissed the surprised hacker's forehead, "Hal, you are..." _still doing that_. David couldn't resist any longer. He leaned in and took that lip between his own teeth, alternating light nibbles and not-so-light suction. The shivers returned and the hacker whimpered. Dave saw his eyes grow wide and his cheeks flush darker than they already were, and then there was an insistent tongue in his mouth and long fingers grabbing his hair and he couldn't help but close his eyes in bliss. The soldier was starting to realize how wrong he was in his assumptions of how the other man would be. He never really considered what it would be like if Hal wasn't playing a passive role.

Dave grinned into the kiss. He sure as hell wasn't disappointed with reality.

After a few more seconds of battling for dominance, the mercenary pulled away. His partner _glared_ at him in annoyance. Dave had to fight the urge to laugh at himself and his own misconceptions; Hal would take it the wrong way. Still grinning, he swooped back down and pressed his lips against the other's man's ear. He hummed contently and earned a definite hitch in the programmer's breath, and what was probably a swallowed moan.

 _One thing I did guess right... why am I not surprised?_

"Stop holding that back," he murmured.

".... What?" Hal asked with more than a touch of wariness. In reply, Dave ground him against the wall. Once again the cry was suppressed.

"That. The sounds you make."

"No, na-ahhhh," Hal made a half-hearted struggle against the hot mouth on his jaw and the strong hands rubbing his back and hip.

"Why," a pointed lick to one of those soft spots, "not?"

"Mmph." the smaller man went limp in his arms. "'S embarrassing."

"Hmm?"

"It... it'd be easier to... mm-- form co...coherent... will you stop that a second?"

"Nn-hmm," Dave mumbled stubbornly.

Hal pushed at his shoulders and the mercenary reluctantly pulled away, but not before stealing one more kiss for good measure. His partner looked like he didn't quite know what to do with him.

"Why..." he asked slowly, studying the soldier carefully, "why do you want me to..."

"Not hold back?"

"Yeah."

Dave knew that the expression on his face was at least borderline goofy, but he found he didn't have it in him to care.

"I like knowing what makes you feel good."

Hal looked surprised, nervous, unsure… but mostly he looked like that last sentence turned him the fuck on, and that added to Dave's desire, creating a feedback loop of pure sex.

 _Hal, you better take us somewhere soon or you're going to drive me **crazy**._

~~*~~

Those impossibly strong hands slid ever so slowly down the hacker's sides, coming to rest on the waistband of his pants and Hal thought that his soldier was going back to rubbing just beneath the elastic. But no, after an agonizingly still second those calloused fingers moved up underneath the worn t-shirt the hacker wore to bed, leaving burning trails of fire in their wake. However, hot as those flames were, they still didn't match the heat of a wet tongue sliding over the hacker's neck. Jaw. Ear.

David found a combination of caresses that made Hal weak in the knees and the hacker fought against arching into that hard body and bit back a heavy moan.

"Stop doing that," Hal barely heard as it was mumbled into his neck, "stop holding back…"

Perfect soldier, perfect memory, perfectly replicating that same assault on sensitive areas. Hal crumbled, and he couldn't swallow the low, keening cry that escaped his throat, couldn't hope to stop his spine from curving out like some dumb college girl getting felt up for the first time. But then there was that rumbling groan in reply, those strong arms pulling closer, and that hot mouth finally finding its way back to the hacker's lips, crushing him, tasting him…

 _Does he... does he really not mind how I move when it's good? Does he really want to hear all the stupid noises I make?_

"Come on," that gravely voice _purred_ , "moan for me."

He might have moaned, _a lot_ , towards the end of their... first _time_ , but the anxiety that pried that door open was gone in the wake of his orgasm. Hal didn't think he could comply without it being fake and forced, and that would be horrible.

Hal felt like screaming. _I don't know what to **do** here. It's not like I've never 'lead the dance' before but never with someone like him! He was supposed to take control, throw me down, make me forget everything... I'm not supposed to be in charge._ Hal nipped at his partner's neck a little harder than necessary in his frustration, but Dave didn't seem to mind. _Uhn, why does he have to keep being so damn sexy? Is he **trying** to drive me crazy?_

More touches that didn't go far enough, more kisses that set his blood on fire. Halfway to losing it Hal finally pulled away, almost not blushing beet red from embarrassment, and gestured towards the bathroom.

Just as he was about to speak, he remembered that there was more than towels in the tiny room.

"I'll be.... I'll be right b-back," he stammered. "I mean... just the bathroom, to get.... yeah."

"Oh," the solider said, looking the slightest bit disappointed at the loss of contact. When they started being friends Hal was surprised to learn how physically affectionate Dave could be, in a macho jock sort of way, hand on the shoulder and that sort of thing. The thought that the soldier would want those touches in the context of sex... it made Hal shiver.

Then he remembered where they were. He remembered the only thing he was good for.

Once he was inside, he closed the bathroom door.


	4. Almost

_Amazing how fast things go bad, huh? Especially when **I'm** involved._

Hal gripped the warped bathroom counter and stared unblinkingly into his own reflection. The bouncy, embarrassed giddiness he felt just a few seconds ago was already shattered on reality. Looking in the mirror only made it worse.

His lower lip was red from being sucked on. Darkening hickeys already spotted his neck. Eyes just a little red around the rims from when he was sobbing like a... he let his head drop, tired of looking at himself.

 _It was so wonderful. For about a minute we were teasing the way we did before I couldn't talk to him without my stomach tying in knots. It was like we were a real couple, or at least **friends**. But I... just look at me. How we got here_.

Hal turned on the tap and splashed his face with some cold water; it didn't really help. Slowly, as if in a dream, he reached down and turned on the hot faucet and stared at the two bath towels hanging up next to each other on the wall. The hacker's was muted green, _forever and always green, I told him_ , the soldier's was plum-colored, _white and cream are scratchy hotels, blue is too cold and the color of his suit, yellow just looked dumb on him... he didn't have to say why he rejected the red ones._

 _Why did I even remember that? Buying towels a forever ago after the last ones were ruined by blood and river muck and god knows what else. I launched for the green section because I have no imagination and, well, it's my favorite color. And in my opinion the muted green is kinda classy. He argued reasonably good-naturedly and then spent at least half an hour finding another color that matched mine just to be annoying._

Hal eyed the muted bluish-purple cloth. It looked so.... out of place on the mercenary-- _god when he walks out of the shower to ask me something and I can't even breathe afterwards... uhn_. Hal had gone off track by thinking of colors, but the memory of the few times that happened, David's skin still damp, hair clinging to his neck and forehead, that weird towel loosely held around his hips as if he didn't really mind if he dropped it... it all lead back to the fact that he was waiting-- **_I'll be here_** \-- in the next room. Hal wanted to keep going. All he had to do was grab that trademark green towel, walk back in the other room, and help Dave... clean up.

He reached out and saw a faint bruise on his wrist. He remembered where he was, how he got there, that maybe Dave had come to his senses and no matter what there was absolutely no way this could end without something _bad_ happening.

 _Is there anything I can do to save this?_

 _Is he going to hate me in the morning?_

 _What if I'm good enough that he doesn't care?_

Back to where he started in his depressing fantasy, Hal sighed and then gathered what he needed.

 _Too late to stop drowning now. I just have to go down... with the ship._

~~*~~

David was unsure of what to do with himself after the hacker's retreat to the bathroom. All he knew is that he had to get _away_ from the window.

 _The hell am I supposed to stand... middle of the room? Sit down?_ He kicked off his shoes and paced a few times before realizing that was a bad idea with his sticky jeans. He ran his hand through his hair and suppressed the urge to laugh at himself. _Look at me. I've never been this nervous before. Not even my first time_. He settled on the edge of the bed, half sitting and half leaning. _Is this the right choice? Is there even a choice that isn't wrong?_

Dave looked up when the bathroom door clicked... and found himself staring at his partner, standing there with a wadded up towel in his hands and an expression that was somehow both uncertain and resolute... David would never understand how Hal could _do_ it, have a fascinatingly contradictory look on his face and still look so goddamn good.

Hal took a few hesitant steps forward, nervously fiddling with the fabric in his hands. The hacker stopped by the corner of the bed, just out of reach. Dave found himself unable to move, incapable of getting up or leaning forward and pulling the other man into his arms, no matter how much he wanted to. He was stopped still at how... _desirable_ his partner looked. It wasn’t as though this was the first time he'd been attracted to the hacker; he'd found the other man cute, handsome, felt some nameless feral desire whenever Hal got riled up, but this... it was different. Strength and vulnerability all rolled into one, a reminder of why he cared so much for his partner.

 _Why can't I move? I want to hold him like in the movies and kiss him like it'll actually make anything better. Like it works that way in the real world. I want to make him feel good but nothing's getting done with me just sitting--_

Hal looked off to the side and worried at his lip, effectively derailing the steadfast soldier's train of thought. A few seconds of teeth and kiss-flushed flesh and tiny glimpses of a wet tongue that not so long ago was desperately claiming the soldier's mouth and whatever part of Dave that was holding back in fear fell completely away.

The soldier stood. Hal started and tensed at the sudden movement but he didn't back away. David stepped within arm's reach and pulled his partner the rest of the way, not even coming close to caring how the towel was soaking his shirt. Hal looked up at his partner with a mix of anxiety and anticipation. The fearful, hopeful gray eyes unframed by green plastic, the lips a darker hue than normal from bruising contact, the red marks on his collarbone highlighted by a helpful moonbeam...

He took Hal's face in his hands and kissed him. Like in the movies. Like it would make everything better. Like it worked that way.

Like it wouldn't all come crashing down in the morning.

~~*~~

Hands clenching wet cloth. Thoroughly damp t-shirt clinging to pale skin. Heart nearly bursting from his ribcage. Lungs burning for more air. Body shaking. Blood singing.

 _He **wants** me_.

 _ **Me**_.

Hal leaned forward, took a step. Dave allowed himself to be pushed back but he didn't break his claim on the hacker's mouth, and that's just how the hacker wanted it. Another step, a turn, a push, and the soldier's legs were pressed against the side of the mattress. They stood like that for another few moments, the towel squashed almost comically between their bodies, before David gave in and fell back to half leaning on the bed. Hal wasted no time in bending down and meeting his partner's lips again.

 _The whiskey and tobacco... they're gone now..._

The awkward lip-mashing from before was a forgotten memory. Movements were less deliberate, actions more instinctive. Hal felt as though he was helplessly caught in a strong current steadily drawing him away from land and from safety, and he didn't even consider fighting it. It was so easy to let himself be swept away when David's fingers were stroking the nape of his neck and David's lips were pressed so perfectly against his and David's tongue was doing truly amazing things to him--

He fell into a swirling vortex, that irresistible wave composed of the immediate, tangentless ideas of touch and taste and need to _get to Dave's skin_.

That little voice reminding him that it was like this with all the others was washed away with the rest of him, and it didn't come back in with the tide. He didn't care anymore; all he cared about was that David's attention was on _him_. He was good enough. He could make the other man moan. He would have his soldier.

 _And Dave_ , whispered some rebellious spirit normally drowned out by his mental chatter, _Dave will... **have**_...

Between those unusually lustful thoughts and the heat of the soldier's mouth on his neck, Hal was amazed he hadn't gotten that anime-style nosebleed yet. He was certainly getting lightheaded and he really wasn't sure how much longer he could remain standing.

 _Besides_ , came that voice again, _you've got something to **do** , and it doesn't involve **standing**_.

~~*~~

Hal broke the kiss and straightened just enough to be out of reach. His face was flushed dark and his eyes were unfocused. Dave leaned back, bracing himself on the bed, a self satisfied smirk forming on his lips.

 _ **This** is how he's supposed to_ \--

His thoughts were interrupted when Hal suddenly dropped to his knees. With single-minded determination and dexterity the programmer had the zipper undone before the soldier's mind had a chance to process what Hal was doing. His blood grew oppressively hot as if he'd been drugged and his limbs too heavy to move as he gaped at the scene unfolding in front of him.

"Help me out here," came the quiet request, accompanied by gentle but firm tugs on the belt loops. The mission-mode part of him latched onto it like a concrete order and his body moved automatically, unthinking, as if dodging some danger his brain hadn't had the chance to fully process. On instinct he lifted himself from the bed enough for Hal to pull his jeans from his hips, on instinct he straitened his legs enough for Hal to pull his jeans off his legs, and it was only when the warm damp towel moved over his half-erection that some of his higher thought processes snapped back on.

 _He's..._

Smooth hands moved over his knees, silently urging his legs a little further apart.

 _He's really..._

Smooth fingers caressed his thighs.

 _Hal..._

Gray eyes looking down, to the side, anywhere but the soldier's face.

"Hal..."

There was only the barest pause in answer before David felt hot breath on his stomach.

~~*~~

 _...don't look up, don't look at him, you'll think about what you're doing..._

Shaking. Flushed. Blushing in every way there is. Heavy eyes looking down.

 _...just keep doing what you're doing, don't think about it, don't look up..._

Lips pressed against the base. Hand gently cupping the other side. Hand on the floor to keep the body steady.

 _...don't look at him, he'll be able to tell, just don't look at him..._

Tongue pressed against the thick ridge. Flesh stiffening. Pulse pounding.

 _...keep going, keep it up, just keep going..._

Keep the body steady. Hand sliding down.

 _...just don't look up, just don't look at him..._

Pressed against the tip.

 _...just don't... just... you can't..._

Looked up.

~~*~~

All he could process was a wet tongue running down the length. All he could feel were lips pressed against him. All he could see were gray eyes streaked with green and brown. And all he could think as his cute innocent Hal swallowed around him was _oh god he doesn't have a gag reflex_ before the tongue and lips and eyes all melted into one inescapable swirling sucking heat.

~~*~~

Despite the awkward angle Hal managed to keep his eyes locked on Dave's face, barely in focus without his glasses but he could still see the shock written in piercing green. The battle-hardened soldier's cheeks were actually flushed, his breath coming in gasps, his knuckles gone white from gripping the sheets.

 _I did that_ , the hacker thought as he broke eye-contact and redoubled his efforts, _**I** made him feel this way. Maybe... maybe..._

He ran his hand down his partner's leg, delighting in the good kind of shiver that followed his touch. All the way down to where David's jeans were pooled around his ankles, and then the analytical part of the programmer took note of the fact that his fingers felt only skin and denim.

 _He wasn't wearing boxers._

Hal shut his eyes as if that would shut out the ever-present doubt. _He went out for a cheap lay and **he got one**_. Down on his knees, down to the base, free hand already jammed down his own pants. _Nothing's changed._

 _This still isn't real._

~~*~~

 _This can't be real_.

All higher thought was gone, all that was left was that mouth and just enough presence of mind not to grab shaggy hair and choke him even though that _didn't seem to be a problem_ and that little voice was making sure Dave didn't forget that _he learned this with someone. Someone who wasn't that bitch. Someone else touched him like I want to touch him_ and the jealousy swelled up even though he knew it was stupid, even though it was unreasonable to think that Hal never tried to forget his step-mother and _damn he's good at this_ , and then the whole cycle of thought would start over again.

~~*~~

 _ **He** was right. This is all I'm good for._


	5. Boiling Point

The soldier fought with himself, struggled against the onslaught of pleasure, the sight of his partner, _his Hal_ , kneeling between his legs. It took some doing but David reached out and placed a shaking hand on the other man's shoulder. For a second Dave flashed back to Shadow Moses, all those years ago when he touched 'Dr. Emmerich' in reassurance, to try and keep the oblivious scientist from hyperventilating since the soldier needed his help. He didn't put too much stock in the way Hal jerked away at the time--after all, the scientist had just been attacked by the Cyborg Ninja--but now he knew better. How much Hal hated being touched like that. How much that handshake meant. How good the hacker looked without his glasses.

When he felt the trembling pressure, Hal looked up without pausing the task at hand. David breathed his partner's name and gave Hal's arm a firm squeeze, voice hopelessly stuck in his throat at the unbelievably erotic sight. An infinity made up of heavy-lidded gray eyes later and Hal sat back on his heels. The hard flesh slid out of his mouth, the thin line of spit trailing down his chin catching the moonlight. He was flushed and breathless and still close enough for David to feel his breath on... _have to focus._

"Hal," and the rest of the thought just wouldn't come. Just looking at his partner was still too much. "Hal, I..."

The soldier gave up on words. He was a man of action after all.

 _Just keep digging deeper... just make him feel good..._

Dave gently grasped the hacker's arm and tugged. Not hard enough to pull the hacker to his feet, no, that had to be his decision. Hal had to make the choice _Hal has to make this choice_ and the other man fumbled with his other hand, did something David couldn't see and the soldier stiffened but the man didn't care, he was far too busy staring into his partner's eyes, memorizing the streaks and variations in color as best he could in the dim light, the particular way he panted for breath, just in case, _I might never get to look at him like this again_ and Hal's other hand was holding something but it didn't matter.

The slightest subconscious chuckle at how much the hacker liked threading fingers through unruly hair and then he was crushing their mouths together with more bruising force than they'd used at the wall. There was that bitter-salty-something taste that David had never been fond of tasting on his conquests' lips, but this time he didn't mind because it was a confirmation that, yes, that really did just happen. Dave reached out blindly, eyes closed as he drank in his partner's passion and found the elastic waistband of blue pajamas, slid his hands under the cloth, under the boxer-briefs to stroke the smooth skin of Hal's hips and when the tempo of their kiss only sped he pushed the barriers down. Only then did he break away for air and to see his partner standing there in a baggy anime con t-shirt, his pants pooled at his ankles, and nothing else. Erect, flushed, panting, _have to touch all of him have to have him_ and then he was moving back, falling back as Hal came forward, hovering over the soldier as he settled his weight on the bed, one hand on the covers by Dave's head and the other still _not visible_ and--

Green eyes widened when slick fingers touched him. He glanced to the side and saw that the something in Hal's unseen hand was a tub of petroleum jelly from the first aid kit. Then there wasn't any room for thought because that hand was moving up and down without any resistance, just wet heat and firm pressure, and he grinned and maybe-moaned as he fumbled for the jar, and then he closed his own slick hand around his partner's length.

~~*~~

Hal gasped for breath at the contact--firm, unhesitating, slippery--the arm supporting his weight buckled as his muscles turned to jelly, but David corrected their position before he had the chance to fall. Both sitting, the soldier's legs on either side of his partner, Hal still kneeling _still on your knees_ and there was that hand again, and the hacker remembered his own hand and they sat there, staring at each other, at what they were doing, quiet, half-swallowed moans on both their--

"Good idea."

Dave's eyes were... soft around the edges. Affectionate. Friendly. It was a look Hal hadn't seen in a long time, not since four nights after Big Shell when everything started falling apart. He missed that easy smile. He missed _David_.

The soldier tilted his head in the general direction of the lube and grinned.

"Makes it... easier." The soldier's affectionate eyes took on a playful quality as he accentuated the point by rubbing the tip. "You always think of everything."

Hal had to stop a hysterical giggle from escaping his lips when he realized that David honestly didn't know where he was trying to take them. The doubt roared in his ears, in his blood, _why wouldn't he think of that? Is he just not that turned on by this skinny, pale, weak body?_ But then there was that look in his eyes, the hardness between his legs, in Hal's hand, remembering _he's letting me lead, he probably doesn't expect me to go that far on the first... 'date...'_

He thought of other first dates.

 _Nothing left to question. Nothing left to save._

Hal leaned forward and kissed his soldier one more time, then turned around and slid off the bed.

~~*~~

There was a moment of heart-stopping panic that the soldier would never admit to before he realized Hal wasn't leaving. The hacker was simply kneeling by the bed and rummaging through something, probably to get some other surprise he brought back from the bathroom. David had to remind himself to breathe as his heart pounded away at a panicked rate.

 _Just in case there was any question... damn I've got it bad._

Dave wanted Hal back in his arms, somewhere within reach so that he could touch his partner and prove to himself what was happening was really happening. He _needed_ that reassurance like he needed air and so much of him chaffed at the bonds made by caring so much more than a weapon should. But Hal was what kept him human, greatest weakness and greatest strength all rolled up into one gangly, nerdy package...

Finally, Hal stood. There was something concealed in his hand and the soldier-side once again bristled, but Dave was too busy pulling him back onto the bed, pulling him close and kissing him until his racing pulse was due to the hot tongue and the sweat-slicked skin rubbing against his. He pulled away and held Hal's face in his hands, had to see Hal's expression to confirm that his caresses weren't doing more harm than good.

It was as though he was looking at a stranger.

There was a dark look in Hal's eyes. Different. Not right. Something destructive. Something desperate, and in the worst possible way. It was like a bucketful of ice water had been dumped over the soldier's head; suddenly he remembered how easily he could shatter his partner by rushing in. He suddenly remembered how he _got in the room_ and wondered how the hell he could forget. He remembered all the little signs he hadn't been able to piece together until Hal told him about his stepmother, all the way back to the way he tensed when Dave put that awkwardly comforting hand on his shoulder all the way back in Shadow Moses. He remembered swearing to whatever god wasn't listening that no one would ever hurt Hal like that again.

 _This isn't working._

It had the same flavor as the self-doubt that was once Hal's constant companion, but it was _different_. Far more dangerous. Some sinister poison that wasn't going to hurt David when it took effect.

 _I screwed up._

Hal was kissing him again, and now that Dave was actually paying attention he could taste the desperation as clearly the traces of salty tears that still lingered on the hacker's cheeks. The programmer's motions were clingy and panicked.

 _I really fucking screwed up._

For a few seconds that stretched into eternity David sat there, frozen, his partner straddling his lap and kissing his neck. His hands rested on the small of Hal's back, Hal's hands were in his hair and finally the slight crinkly sound made by the small object in Hal's hand registered with the soldier. The audio-memory that allowed him to identify a gun by the sound of the bolt sliding home alone went through all the possibilities, and with a shock and a sinking stomach Dave realized that it was doubtlessly a cheap foil wrapper, and that Hal probably got it from the soldier's jeans.

 _He knows. Of course he knows, he might be dense sometimes but he's not a fucking moron. I have to stop this, I have to--_

" _David_."

His name, the one so few people knew, was breathed into his ear. His partner, his Hal, speaking _so_ sensually... and the realization settled down like so much toxic ash even as their lips met again.

 _If I pull away now what would that do to him? This is Hal, this is a depressed Hal, he might... what if I... no... I could... **no**... maybe if I just--_

There was the slightest of whimpers, not the good kind, but the distressed kind, and Dave realized that he'd slowed to a standstill in their kiss. Hal returned his attentions to the soldier's neck with an anxious intensity.

 _I couldn't have fucked this up worse if I **tried**._

~~*~~

 _Dave isn't responding. He isn't moving. When he does it's automatic. What did I do wrong what did I do what can I do to fix--_

And then, with almost no transition, he was lying on his back with his head against the pillows, the weight of his soldier's body pressing him into the sheets as his mouth was taken, plundered, and claimed with a slow burning passion that Hal wasn't ready for. When David pulled away for breath Hal found he still couldn't breathe, and it wasn't just his odd claustrophobia when it came to being pinned to the sheets. When that doubtful voice reminded him that it was like this with all the others he found he could finally question the self-doubt. There was just no way that _Snake_ would look at a stranger like that.

The voice was still too loud to even try to drown out, but maybe it didn't hurt quite as much when Dave leaned down again.

Definitely not trusting his voice at this point, Hal shakily unwrapped the condom in the space between them and then started rolling it down his partner's length. Dave jerked away, startled, and audibly gulped. The look on his face was so conflicted, and for a terrifying moment Hal's heart stopped, afraid that maybe Dave wasn't that much into the homosexual thing, that a warm body was all well and good but not that far...

~~*~~

 _I've already hurt him. Made him **cry** by being the sorry bastard I am. I want him, damn I want him, but not like this. Not with that look in his eyes. This is wrong, it's all wrong..._

There was that fear the soldier saw so much in the beginning before Hal realized his own strength and grew a spine. But this time the hacker wasn't even trying to hide it. It was the way he looked right after Big Shell, but _worse_.

 _There's no way out of this, is there? I passed that point a long time ago. Now the only question is what will hurt him a little less._

Another long kiss tinged with desperation.

 _Now more than ever, I deserve to be fucking shot._

~~*~~

There was a firming but still unsteady resolve in those green eyes before their lips crashed together again and a calloused hand closed around the programmer's hardness. Hal was so scared of rejection and affection all at once that he couldn't even feel embarrassed when he finally let out a long, keening, open moan and arched off the bed, head thrown back and eyes half-lidded, hands helplessly grasping at David's shoulders and legs parting almost on instinct. His soldier kept him there for what seemed like an eternity of that scratchy stubble on a pale neck and those rough hands against smooth flesh, right on the brink of completely letting go and _telling_ him. Just saying the words and telling him _I lo_ \--

" _Damn!_ " came the frustrated growl that broke Hal away just in time. The hacker realized, mortified, how.... wanton he looked, laid out on his back with his legs spread wide, moaning helplessly as his partner touched him... but then the heat of his soldier was gone and Hal came back to his surroundings. Dave was feeling across the rumpled bedclothes for something.

"Wha..." _just talk to him, genius!_ "What are you...?"

Hal had never imagined that steadfast shameless Dave could ever look that embarrassed.

"Just... the uh..."

There might have been some small part of him that found humor amidst all the adrenaline and worry, probably the part that kept bringing him back to 4Chan. But it was gone almost instantly, replaced by bone crushing awkwardness.

"The lu... I," just when he thought it would be impossible for an _anime character_ to blush any worse, "I already took care of... when I was on... I'm..."

The hacker moved with limbs too heavy, propping himself on his elbows and sliding back, adjusting until he was sitting with his back against the wall. Dave settled back, sitting on his legs, and for a long stretch Hal just _looked_ at him. He'd seen the soldier naked before, in locker rooms at the Y and in times of great injury, but it had _never_ been like this. Sitting on his legs the same way he did that one mission in Japan, muscular thighs slightly spread and his _dripping_ erection standing at attention between them. Plain button-up shirt hiding the chest covered with scars Hal longed to memorize, trace each one with his fingers and his tongue until he learned them all. Brown hair sticking every which way, clinging to his neck and forehead, lips parted, cheeks _flushed_ , and those green eyes...

They were the first thing Hal had really _seen_ when Snake pulled him out of that locker all those years ago, the look in them, anxious to move on with his mission but still slightly concerned about the cowardly nerd in front of him... and that concern shifted to some honest kindness when the soldier reached out and laid a comforting hand on Hal's shoulder, and even though he couldn't suppress the instinct to flinch away he appreciated the gesture more than Snake would ever know. And later, in the early days of Philanthropy, those green eyes were the first thing to soften on a more personal level, the first indication that Hal might have a friend as well as a working partner.

Now those eyes were looking at him with a feral hunger. But then there was the tinge of worry, the hint of shame, and the glow of caring casting its warm light on everything else.

He wanted that warmth. He ached for it.

With one last visual sweep of the unbearably sexy man, Hal closed his eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath. With the last threads of his courage gathered he shifted and turned, moving so he was facing the wall and then he rose up on his knees. He stayed that way as his heart stopped, one hand on the top of the headboard and once braced against the wall, slightly bent at the waist and knees slightly spread, barely breathing.

 _This is it._

"I'm ready."

~~*~~

 _How many nights have I dreamed about this?_

David found he could barely breathe, seeing Hal position himself like that. Waiting, _ready_ , willing...

 _How many times have I stroked myself out to fantasies of him like this?_

Already knew what it was to sleep beside the man. Knew the cadence of his voice, the smell of his hair...

 _How many times have I pretended they were him?_

~~*~~

Hal let out a long, quivering exhale when those rough hands touched his hips. He knew it probably sounded like he was returning to tears, and he might before it was over, but at that point it was only anticipation. He pushed back, encouraging, and then that hard muscled body was pressed against his back, groaning, reaching around to deliver long, slow, torturous strokes that had Hal gripping the headboard and pleading for more. There was a mouth at his neck, his ear, and the soldier _his soldier_ was whispering something, nothing, and there was that blunt pressure _how long has it been, Hal?_ and a low cry and he really wasn't sure who's throat it came from.

~~*~~

"F...fuck, Hal..."

So much tighter, so much hotter, so much more intense than it had ever been before.

" _Dave_ ," so breathless.

Slow strokes _have to go slow_ but quickly building speed, thrusting harder, alternating between leaning back with one hand spread on a pale back and curling around him and kissing every patch of skin in reach.

"Please, _please_ ," and the shock of pleasure bordered pain.

Faster harder faster touching him stroking him kissing him wanting him needing him loving him and no the explosions came too early, too soon, before him, _can't leave him behind_ and his hand moved faster harder fasterpleasemore _David_ and a long shuddering gasp and the warm thick release dripped off his hand as he breathed ragged and raw, and then that cold weight was settling in his stomach where the heat just was, and he kissed his partner's shoulder blades, his lover, his Hal.

~~*~~

It was sticky and uncomfortable like it always was, but there wasn't a warm afterglow to distract him. He gasped when Dave slid out of him but not out of the erotic knowledge that he'd just been claimed, but because when he prepared himself he was too distracted, to rushed, and the angle had been all wrong but he couldn't say anything because it would break the spell. The soldier would stop, think, come to his senses and _what have I done?_

And then the endorphins dropped out from under him and he crashed, so tired, and he couldn't think when Dave took care of the condom, couldn't think when Dave collapsed into bed beside him, couldn't think when Dave pulled the covers up over their shoulders, couldn't even care that his shirt was still unpleasantly wet from the towel and his release.

He turned onto his side, facing away from the soldier. He was too tired not to flinch away when that calloused hand touched his back.

~~*~~

Too tired.

 _What have I done?_

~~*~~

They slept.


	6. Freefall

The soldier refused to let the bright sun pull him from his sleep. He was lost in an indistinct dream with no real images or sounds, warm and comforting, and he wanted to _stay_ there. He felt like he could let it all go because that soothing something would be there to catch him and put all the broken, bloody pieces back together.

He held onto the warmth.

"Mmmph," it said as it shifted.

Vaguely unsettled by this development, he pulled that presence tighter.

"Snaaaaaaake," came a familiar whining voice tinged with both fatigue and annoyance, "stop tryin' t'break my ribs. Go t'sleep. Need it. Both'a us."

Finally the fact that his warm soothing comfort was _Otacon_ broke through the haze and brought with it a flood of memories rushing in like so much freezing water.

 _Tanker... RAY... all those Marines... Ocelot..._

 _ **Liquid**._

He tried to move, to do _something_. Less-than-strong fingers dug into his shoulders to keep him from moving.

" _No_. 'm not good at stitches. Gonna pull 'em out."

Dave found his tongue heavy and his throat dry.

"Been fading in an' out. Sleep more."

The suggestion was tempting. And it was warm. He could trust Otacon that much, couldn't he?

~~*~~

He felt like curling up in a cave until the world just went away. His leg hurt, his everything hurt, but mostly it was the fact that he couldn't go ten minutes without hearing someone talk about the damn tanker and the damn terrorists who just went around blowing everything up. He didn't do what he did to earn the public's praise so it didn't matter what they thought.

It _shouldn't_ have mattered. But Snake, for all his strengths, was still only human. There was only so much one man could take.

His leg buckled halfway up the last flight of stairs to their crappy one-bedroom, his strangely red hair falling into his eyes as he sank to the steps. His leg hurt, his head hurt, he just _hurt_. No leads since the Tanker, no prospects, and even if there were any he wouldn't be able to sneak anywhere in his condition. The heavy limp would heal, he knew that, but it hadn't yet. It seemed like nothing was moving. He was still stuck in Shadow Moses, Liquid still taunting him, his own government still playing him for the fool he was.

He was brought back to the present by a warm hand on his shoulder and a pair of soft gray eyes filled with concern. Otacon didn't ask if Snake was okay, he didn't say anything, he just looked at the soldier with a sad half-smile. The black hair was out of place, wrong, but those gray eyes were the same ones that found him in Alaska when he'd hit bottom.

Still silent, Otacon hesitantly wrapped his arm around Snake's waist. The soldier's pride scoffed at the gesture; he still had a bit of a limp but he could walk without help. The soldier's sense recoiled; he couldn't let himself care about his associate. Just showing his interest in Meryl at Shadow Moses led her to Ocelot's cruel hands. She was at least a fellow soldier, if a rookie. If Philanthropy's enemies discovered that the frail, weak programmer could be used against Snake...

 _That's not fair, he's come so far since I first found him cowering in that locker. And while he might be a skinny, gangly nerd, he's strong. He's got more conviction than I could ever hope to have._

Otacon was still waiting for some sign that his help was wanted or rejected.

 _...It's too late, isn't it? Even drugged and feverish I'd never be able to sleep that deep and that peacefully with someone else in the bed if I didn't **trust** them. I trust Otacon with more than my life._

With a defeated sigh Snake laid his arm across Otacon's back, braced his free hand on the handrail, and started to stand. The hacker scrambled to get to his feet first and shouldered as much of the soldier's weight as he could, which wasn't that much. However, it wasn't the physical support that mattered. Snake could lean on his analyst, his hacker, his _partner_ , and it would be okay. Otacon wouldn't take it as a sign of weakness.

They climbed the steps and the hacker broke the silence, launching into an extensive review of the last episode of something-or-other-anime to come on TV. Snake rolled his eyes even as the tension faded.

 _God help me; my best friend is an 'otaku.'_

~~*~~

 _Coward._

David stepped on the subway and grabbed a free pole as the train jerked to a start. The mission always came first. The mission _had_ to come first. Years ago when he finally gave in to temptation and called Otacon his friend, called him _Hal_ , he promised himself that. Too much was riding on them for their relationship to get in the way of the job no one else would do.

After he woke, roused by some internal clock counting down to zero hour, he stared at Hal for several long minutes. The other man was lying on his back, one hand resting on the pillow by his turned head and the other laid across his stomach, the T-shirt pushed up to reveal pale undefined abs and the trail of hair that led down under the sheets, just barely covering his hips...

If it was other morning and Dave would memorize the tantalizing sight before shaking Hal awake and telling his partner he was leaving. Any other morning and the hacker would sleepily yawn, mumble some affirmation, and then fall back to the pillows. The soldier would smile before putting his game face on and leaving for whatever supportless mission he had that day.

It wasn't any other morning.

Hal's neck was peppered with dark marks made by teeth and suction. His lips still looked kiss-swollen. Were there five-fingered bruises hidden under the sheets? Was the hacker sore? How much would he hate his partner?

And so the soldier silently slipped out of the bed, found his pants thrown over by the wall-- _David's blood froze when he heard an indistinct noise coming from the window_ \--scooped them up, and then went to his own room. He threw on some clean clothes and grabbed the bodyspray he never used-- _just wet heat and firm pressure_ \--and then he fled the apartment.

If he had to see those gray eyes, the same eyes that looked at him so kindly in that stairwell, the same eyes that looked at him so intensely from between his legs, if he had to look into those amazing gray eyes...

 _I'd have stayed. I would have **stayed** and missed the meeting with the first real lead we've had since Big Shell. I'd have put him before the mission. I swore I'd never abandon the mission, even for his sake. It's how it has to be._

Still, he heard that word whispered.

 _Coward._

~~*~~

From that moment in the stairwell it was all downhill.

Four months later and they were on an old, worn couch, watching some disgustingly sweet romance movie, drunker than hell.

"Oh no oh no," Otacon said, waving hopelessly at the screen, "oh no, she's gonna cry'gain."

Snake laughed and reached for the whiskey, missing once. He wasn't _quite_ as trashed as his partner in crime, but he was getting there.

"I thought you _liked_ sappy shit like this?"

"Pfft," the hacker replied, crossing his eyes to watch his ragged bangs puff upwards, "not _this_ bad. This's _bad_. Just..."

The soldier returned the cinnamon schnapps to his partner's hands. " _Bad?_ "

Otacon tried very hard to glare before taking another shot. "Shu'up." He waved again, face screwed up in concentration as he searched for the right words. "'S not... 's not..." He was too far gone to say what he was trying to say. Snake laughed, full throated, free, unthinking.

Otacon, drunk as he was, seemed to understand how important that laugh was. He smiled, tried to put a hand on the soldier's arm, missed, and joined in the laughter.

~~*~~

When he stepped off the final bus he forced all his self-loathing and disjointed memories into the back of his mind. He had to be _Snake_ for this, the unflappable steadfast soldier, not the man who just screwed up the best thing that ever happened to him.

It was a short, professional meeting, a simple exchange of information between two members of the underworld. In minutes it was done and that focus slipped away. By the time he shuffled into the first bus that came along it was all back to a full rolling boil.

~~*~~

He stared up at the old brick building, at the fire escape and the window that he'd burst through the night before. He still had no idea what he would say to his partner. _Sorry, it wasn't supposed to be like that, I've been dreaming of you, I care about you so much it **scares** me--_ nothing seemed quite right. Nothing seemed even close to right.

In his hand he held a frappuccino from Starbucks, loaded down with chocolate syrup, caramel, and three shots of almond. After one mission that didn't end in catastrophe they treated themselves to _real_ coffee, far too expensive for everyday. Dave rolled his eyes at the amount of sugar going into the hacker's cup and teased him about it for over a week.

 _What happened to talking to him like that? It's like we're strangers again._ He looked down at the frozen peace offering and tried not to imagine all the ways this could go worse than it already was.

 _Stop being a coward. Go in there and face him. You owe him that much and a hell of a lot more. You owe him a time machine._

~~*~~

David knew this time that his warm, safe comfort was Hal, his Hal, and so he didn't squeeze too hard. Hal had grown to like physical contact from his partner but he didn't like being smothered. So Dave ran his hand gently up and down Hal's back, the other tangled loosely in the hacker's hair, his face nestled into the juncture of shoulder and neck. Dave could feel his partner breathing, feel his steady heartbeat, and it helped to keep him steady.

Hal was the soldier's rock.

He was David's tether.

He was what made a weapon _human_.

A soft sigh escaped the hacker's lips, still sleeping, and Dave smiled. He started rubbing his partner's shoulders with a firmer touch, working out the lingering tenseness that Hal always carried. Another sigh that was almost a whimper. Dave kept massaging those muscles at that awkward angle, unwilling to leave his partner's arms, unwilling to break the chest to chest contact, unwilling to detangle their legs. There was the hacker's tender throat literally right in front of David's nose, and at the next sighing whimper he gave into the temptation to _taste_.

He trailed light open-mouthed kisses along Hal's jugular. The hands resting lightly on Dave's arms clenched up as the hacker shivered. Dave took that as encouragement and kissed a little lower, nearing the collarbone, barely suppressing the urge to suck on the spots that made his partner squirm. Hal wouldn't want marks on his neck.

As those soft noises continued David found his resolve weakening, until finally he decided that the tiniest bit of suction couldn't hurt, that spot just under the collarbone wouldn't be visible if he did get carried away, just a little, just a taste--

And then Hal was thrashing, fighting, and Dave let go at the unexpected movement and finally opened his eyes. The room was too bright for twilight, too blurry for reality, the colors somehow just barely wrong. He fought with heavy limbs to touch Hal's shoulders, Hal's hair, fought with his tongue and throat to say words of comfort.

"Ha... Hal. Don't... I'm here." It was the only truth he could offer. "I'm _here_."

It took a minute, or maybe an hour, for the panicked movements to slow to a distressed stillness. Hal was lying flat on his back, one arm flung to the side and the other wrapped tightly around his stomach, legs tangled in the sheets. David was propped up on his side, his weight braced on his elbow while he stroked the hair from his partner's face.

Grey eyes opened, full of the deeply rooted pain the hacker normally hid so well. He breathed slowly and deliberately for a few moments before smiling unconvincingly and reaching up to touch his partner's face.

"Dave..." the programmer swallowed hard around the lump in his throat, "I... it's okay."

"What happened?" the soldier asked, vaguely aware that he was heavily drugged, fighting to keep his focus long enough to find out what hurt his partner so he could take care of it.

"It's... it's just..." a deep, searching look, and a resigned sigh. "It was about Julie. For a minute there it was like I could... feel her kissing my neck," a barely suppressed shudder, and a comforting smile. "It was just a dream. I'm okay, Dave."

The arm supporting the soldier's weight buckled and he rolled onto his back. There was a genuinely amused chuckle, tainted by the dark shadow that still hung over their bed. Hal rolled to his side, their positions reversed, and brushed David's bangs out of green eyes.

"Sorry I woke you. You really need to sleep this off..." something toxic, a rotten lead picked from Arsenal's corpse. "Good night, Dave."

Hal got up to splash his face with cold water, fight away the memory that still had her claws sunk into his soul. He didn't notice the way David was staring up at the ceiling, his expression as shell-shocked and self-loathing as he could manage in his half-conscious state.

 _Four days after Big Shell. **Four days** after that reminder of what that bitch did to him and I... I triggered the worst nightmare I've ever seen him have._

By the time Hal got back, the drugs and exhaustion had already dragged the soldier back into unconsciousness.

~~*~~

Wandering down an alley, stumbling upon a grimy third rate bar, thinking a stiff drink could only help at this point. Still kicking himself raw for that slip in control, the nightmare, the pain he cause his partner because he couldn't control his hormones with that drug running through his veins. An arched eyebrow, an invitation, the thought that maybe if he just let off a little pressure then _maybe_ he wouldn't slip again, _maybe_ he could forget what he felt, _maybe_...

~~*~~

No matter how many times he was drugged or concussed or electrocuted, all the sayings and mantras Fox taught remained clear in David's mind. _Underestimation is your greatest ally and most dangerous foe, save the damsels but beware the witches_ , dozens of phrases that came to the surface when he needed some guidance.

He quietly put the frappuccino in the refrigerator.

 _In a diplomatic situation, it's better for a soldier to be dead wrong than to appear uncertain._

He liked Hal. _Wanted_ Hal. Things were screwed up. Some conclusion had to be reached if they were going to continue working together. And he _liked_ Hal.

David decided to go in there, get an idea of how his partner was feeling, and then tell him. About the dreams, the stolen touches, all of it. Whether the result was good or bad, Hal deserved the truth.

The hacker's door was half open; Dave could see him stretched out on his stomach, face turned towards the window. The sheets were a different color than the night before and Dave was reminded of how much he needed a shower. He pushed that out of his mind and focused on the minute rise and fall of his partner's shoulders. He guessed that Hal was asleep, confirmed after he crept to the other side of the bed. Unwilling to put this conversation off any longer than he had to, but equally unwilling to wake Hal from his much deserved rest, David sat down with his back against the window frame.

He waited with his eyes closed, on the edge of meditating, trying to block out the sight of Hal lying there with a look somewhere between conflicted and content. He knew that was just how the hacker looked when he slept, perpetually stuck between optimism and reality, but it was still another cake of salt in the wound. Hal had been through so much. He didn't need this.

The clock read 12:47 when the programmer began to stir, a little more than twelve house since everything fell apart.

That was all it took for the soldier's resolve to crumble.


	7. Drowning

Otacon wasn’t really surprised when the sight of Snake started making him blush. In Shadow Moses he was distracted with both the looming threat of death and Sniper Wolf, but on the other side of Alaska it was impossible not to notice how incredibly attractive the soldier was. Especially when he was working out. Shirtless. _All the time_.

Luckily the hacker had a lot of practice in burying his hopeless crushes. Snake wasn’t the first person he worked with who sparked his interest. It was almost as if the others were practice for this, after all, he couldn’t just transfer to another department if things got to uncomfortable. So he just tried very hard not to drool when Snake was being unbearably sexy.

As time wore on the crush got a little easier to ignore. After all, Snake spent a lot of time between missions working out and it was impossible to avoid him. Eventually the sight of those toned abs was old news. Well, not entirely, but it stopped turning him into a stuttering fool. For two years Otacon continued like that, perfectly fine and as in control as he could be.

Then came the Tanker.

Pulling the soldier out of the freezing harbor, forcing the water out of his lungs and frantically checking for a pulse… it was the first time Otacon really understood that Snake was still human. The worry was unbearable, and even after the pneumonia faded away the soldier was still in harm’s way. All the betrayal just added up to be too much. Snake started giving up, and it was up to Otacon to pull him back to the fight, remind him of what they were fighting for. He didn't know how to do that without sounding self-righteous, so he just tried to be a friend, shoulder some of the weight if Snake would let him.

He was surprised when the soldier _did_ , when he accepted Otacon's help in the stairwell. As an unintended side effect it put a crack in the wall of professionalism that they both built around themselves. That was when they started moving towards being friends instead of just working partners. It was... nice, knowing that Snake depended on him for reasons other than his programming and engineering skills.

He could never tell if it was wishful thinking or if he was reading the other man correctly, but he thought he could see the same thing in Snake. That he was glad to be useful for more than just seek and destroy, being a friend made him more than a mindless weapon. At least, Otacon hoped that Snake felt that way.

~~*~~

 _-Gone to meet the contact. I'll be home in four hours-_

One and a half for hopping busses and subways to the meeting place. Thirty minutes for lying in wait. Five minutes for the exchange. The rest for more bus hopping and dodging to cover the route back. No radio, no codec, no contact. It didn't matter if the hacker was awake or asleep for this one.

Hal brushed his fingers against the ripped piece of paper lying on the nightstand by the clock. The glowing red numbers of the clock seemed to taunt him, and the irritating sunlight streaming in just made his head hurt.

“It was just a dream,” he said to no one. “Just a really vivid dream.”

When he moved to get out of bed, pain shot up his spine and he fell back to the sheets.

“Oh god,” he whimpered. “Oh god oh god… what have I done?”

~~*~~

He was laid out on a mountain of soft pillows, pale legs spread wide as that hard body moved into position. Slick fingers pushing, that blunt pressure, and then it hurt but the first time was supposed to, right?

"Oh, baby," his boyfriend-- _lover_ \--breathed as he slid forward, "Emmerich, you're so fucking _tight._ "

And it was perfect because he didn't want his first name gasped, not so few months since the last time with.... but he couldn't think about _her_. It was over, done, he ran away from that, from what he used to be. Now he was wrapped up in strong masculine arms, firm kisses bordering on too hard, thrusts jerky and fast and it was different. It would be different with his boyfriend.

"Please!" and he didn't know what he was asking for. The older man adjusted the programmer's hips and legs before claiming him again, even harder, even deeper, and then there was _something_ and he thought it was a fanfic myth but it _wasn't_ \--

Light exploded behind his eyes and he arched off the bed as that sensitive spot was brushed, a long, keening moan tearing its way out of his throat. He fell back to the pillows, suddenly exhausted, but then there was that intense pleasure-pain again and he tensed again, and again, and finally the cries turned to screams as he was hit by the most intense orgasm he'd ever experienced.

With the fireworks came the tears, slowly rolling down his skin to help the sweat wet his hair. He was so worried that the touches would trigger a waking nightmare, but they didn't. He could enjoy sex.

His boyfriend kept thrusting into his spasming body, and through the overwhelming sense of relief he felt a twinge of embarrassment at how quickly he finished. He watched the older man, memorized the way he moved, took in the sight of his own body being _taken_ , being _claimed_ so erotically. He already came once in the shower that morning, and then when he got back from class his lover pinned him to the couch and jerked him off before dragging him into the bedroom, so there was no _way_ he could go again. Still he moaned and felt the slightest twitch in his groin when his lover came inside of him, filling him in a different sense, the feeling beyond weird but it didn't matter. He was _wanted_. He was _loved_.

Spent, his boyfriend collapsed on top of him, breathing hard a moment before rolling over onto his side. He wanted so much to be held, kissed tenderly, but he bit his tongue and held it inside. They'd already talked about clinginess. He didn't want to be a dumb virgin after finally making love.

"Were you _crying?_ "

There was part of him that thought that his boyfriend could have been a little more romantic than _that_ , but he squashed it. "I... maybe a little?" Emmerich said as he self-consciously wiped the lingering wetness off his face with the back of his hand.

"Hmph. Was I that bad?"

There was an annoyed aspect to his lover's tone. He scrambled for words and for the older man's hand.

"No no no... it was just...." he smiled warmly, gratefully, and kissed his boyfriend's cheek, "It was intense." The other man looked unimpressed and the icy tendrils of dread started crawling up Emmerich's spine. "It's me, I'm just not used to something so good!" and he kept talking, saying anything, making any excuse, just so his lover would stay, just so he wouldn't be alone with his dreams...

After an agonizing eternity there was a quirked eyebrow and he was allowed to kiss his lover again. He drank it in as a wave of relief washed over him once more.

"Next time we're going to have to get you a gag, Emmerich."

The programmer started at the unexpected words and then nervously puzzled over their meaning. Did his lover have a thing for gags? He felt he could probably work though the way a little light bondage would surely make him feel trapped, but he wasn't really sure...

"You scream like a fifteen-year-old Catholic schoolgirl getting screwed for the first time. I don't need the neighbors finding out I'm banging jailbait in here."

"I'm _almost_ seventeen..." the programmer said with a touch of pout even as he turned bright red from embarrassment. He knew he was being vocal about how good his lover was making him feel, but he didn't realize he was that being that bad. "I just... I love you, and you make me feel better than anyone else ever has."

"I know that. Next time, try to keep your mouth shut."

He felt incensed at his lover's tone but made no rebuttal. It was harsh, but it was the truth. They couldn't let anyone know until he was of technical legal age. The nine year difference didn't mean anything to them; it wasn't as though college-student-Emmerich was mentally a child. Besides, they loved each other and that's all that really mattered. But the world had its rules and they had to follow them even if they didn't really apply to their relationship.

Besides, he was good enough to earn suggestions for _next time_. No matter how blunt his boyfriend was, he knew in his heart that the tenderness was under the world-weary mask the older man had to don for daily life. They were still okay. They would be all right.

~~*~~

Hal winced his way out from under the covers and to the bathroom. He went about the usual necessary morning-after tasks feeling tired and detached.

 _Like I'm just another Saturday._

 _Like he's just another stranger._

 _Just like it used to be. Just like it always was._

~~*~~

Emmerich slipped into the apartment as quietly as he could, just in case the older man was home early. He wanted to surprise his lover. He had all the necessary... _adult_ supplies tucked away in his backpack, along with a few candles and a bottle of Svedka he'd obtained with the help of a classmate. At two months 'til eighteen he could fool someone long enough to buy condoms, but he couldn't hope to pass for drinking age.

He had it all planned out. He'd keep an eye on the street and once his lover's car pulled up he'd light the candles he brought with him. The vodka would already be in a bucket of ice and a glass would be standing by, right next to the lube, massage oil, and a towel for cleanup. When the older man opened his bedroom door Otacon would already be spread out on the bed, _completely_ naked. He'd beckon his lover closer, pour him a drink, and then massage away the stress of the day.

Emmerich smiled warmly to himself, leaning against the front door and fighting the urge to slide to the floor in knee-wobbling happiness.

 _A year. We've been together a year._

He shook off the fluffy floaty feeling and moved to the kitchen. He put the vodka in the freezer and the strawberries and whipped cream in the fridge. He always wanted to try out that particular kink, but his lover was more the straightforward sex type. Unless he was tying his lover's wrists to the bedposts and gagging him. However, the young hacker was sure that he could convince his boyfriend to take part in some slow, sweet lovemaking after the night he had planned for them.

He was just closing the refrigerator door when he heard a sharp cry from the bedroom. He'd never been a brave boy, but at the thought of his lover being hurt he forgot all his fear, bolted from the kitchen, and threw open the bedroom door.

His heart stopped.

~~*~~

Hal limped back to his room, pulled on a pair of shorts, and fell into bed. He looked at the note and looked away, his eyes landing on the pillow Dave had slept on. Feeling weak and useless he hugged it to his chest, breathing in the lingering traces of the soldier's scent. He'd brushed his teeth twice but he still imagined he could taste that metallic salty tang on his tongue. He could feel the bruises on his wrists and on his hips.

 _I was right_. He fought down a laugh that he knew would turn hysterical. He curled up as much as the pain would allow. _I was **right**_.

~~*~~

He abandoned his surname, tossed it away into the void as he had his first name. Both were tainted by someone whispering them in his ear like all the other lies. _I'll never hurt you, I'll take care of you, I love you_... none of it was ever true. He was just to dense and too desperate to see until that day. He had a new name now, one that he wouldn't let anyone touch.

Otacon shut his eyes and downed another shot, hoping to drown out the image of his _boyfriend_ on the bed hovering over a teenage boy. He laughed, amazed that his young lover was that stupid. Did he really think it was forever?

 _Only two things you're good at, Emmerich_ , the man said with a sneer, never ceasing his thrusts. _Numbers is one. Being a good brainless screw is the other._

He left college for a semester and wandered the country via Greyhound. He found a college that could almost challenge him in a city that wasn't tainted with bad memories and threw himself into his studies.

It was by accident that he found the club, stumbling through the ineffective directions to Radio Shack given to him by a classmate. He could feel the beat of the music in his bones even from outside, like a throbbing heartbeat of the building itself. He stood for a few minutes, watching the bouncer check IDs, wondering why a club was in the abandoned warehouse district.

Curiosity lead him back there a month later, dressed in jeans a size too small and a skintight black tank top. he felt subconscious standing in line, the patrons eyeing the newcomer with mixed expressions. The bouncer scrutinized him and his ID for a long time before snapping on the 'allowed to drink' wristband and sending him in.

When the bartender asked his name he fumbled, both because he wasn't sure if it was safe to give his real name and the fact he hated both Hal and Emmerich.

"Otakon," was the first thing he thought of, thinking of the last anime convention he'd been to. He immediately started mentally kicking himself because could he have possibly picked a geekier name? But the bartender didn't even raise an eyebrow, just took his order and handed him his drink, so he figured it was okay. He probably had no idea what Otakon was anyway.

He left after an hour, never leaving the bar due to nervousness. The bartender handed him his receipt with 'Otacon' scrawled across it and said to give it to the bouncer so he could put the name on the list. And he figured, hey, why not? And from then on his name was Otacon.

On his next visit he went straight to the bar, intent on downing a few shots and getting loosened up enough to actually _do_ something. He was on his third straight shot of whiskey when a warm hand slid across the small of his back. He spun around, sloshing his drink down his arm, to face a man his age standing there with a definite invitation in his eyes. Otacon actually looked at the dancefloor and suddenly realized why the club was in the middle of nowhere: so guys could dance with guys and girls could dance with girls.

The was a lump in his throat when he looked back at the man who still had a hand on his hip. In the future Otacon would recall no details about how he looked, aside from the fact that he was handsome, but he would always remember that voice and those words.

 _"You've got the look of someone who's been dropped, and I know how that is, so I just want to say this now. I'm not looking for love and I'm not looking for forever. I'm just looking for a dance, and maybe a little more if you're willing. No strings, no lies. How about it?"_

No lies. That's what got Otacon. That's what lead him to the stranger's apartment and to his bed. In the morning the man thanked him for a good night, made him some toast and eggs, and drove him back to the dorm. It was a completely honest relationship.

In the months and years that followed, Otacon worked hard at his classes and had quite a few honest relationships. Only two things he was good at, and he was good at both of them.

The string of one-night stands did end, and end abruptly, after a terrifying week of waiting for the test results and reading up on the effects AIDS could have on the human body. After that he threw everything he had and then some into his work, no distractions, no life, no world except the numbers and calculations.

~~*~~

"Mnph..." Hal did _not_ want to face the daylight again. Even after changing the sheets and liberally spraying the room with air freshener he imagined he could still smell the sex. Dave. The soldier was probably back and that was a confrontation he didn't even know if he wanted or dreaded. He had a feeling that the near eerie calm that set in after he stopped crying was going to go up like a powder keg the second he saw his partner.

He blinked away the sleep and was surprisingly not surprised to see David sitting against the wall.

"Morning," he mumbled automatically, almost as if it was any other day. He wanted it to be any other day. He wanted to throw something and watch it shatter. He wanted to throw Dave against the wall and kiss him breathless. Too many choices. He felt numb.

Hal sat up and groggily rubbed at his eyes, reached for his glasses, and then the two men sat in an oppressively uncomfortable silence for a while. David was the first to break it.

"Hal..." The soldier faltered, sounding uncharacteristically unsure. Hal forced himself to keep his eyes on the wall. "I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have forced myself on you."

It was _precisely_ the wrong thing to say.

The latent anger and resentment ignited. It was less the explosive crack of gunpowder and more the bright, steady, poisonous burn of a flaming oil derrick. All the self-loathing, all the second guessing, all the doubt about whether anyone could ever know about Julie and still love him like nothing was wrong... it all burned.

Hal stood up and started yelling, the complex interconnected web of his thoughts coming out as disjointed jumble of words. The important things, like how Hal knew that if he ever said _stop_ Dave would comply, never made it near the front of the line. He could make his own choices and last night was one of them, never heard. How much he loved his partner, not even close.

Above all, he couldn't believe that his best friend, his savior, _his David_ was dragging himself down to Julie's level. That his partner could ever rate the night before, however screwed up, in the same category as what his stepmother did to him, or his first boyfriend. That the man who gave Hal the strength to find his own self-worth thought himself so low.

So he yelled.


	8. 11:39

To say things were _tense_ after that would be the understatement of the decade. The air between them practically broke.

They evaded and avoided as best they could in the small apartment, and when they did pass each other they wouldn't even look at each other. They didn't talk about what happened; in fact, they didn't talk at all. The only time they traded words was when points of the upcoming mission had to be discussed, and then Hal would stammer and David would do little more than nod or shake his head.

Only when Hal would shuffle off to his nest of computers would Dave _look_. Look at his partner, his friend, his Hal but it all rang hollow in his head. He didn't deserve to be any of that. He didn't even deserve it before, and now...

The hacker moved most of his gear into the living room. He slept on the couch.

For the first few days after it happened, he limped.

It was a wonder the worn out pawn shop punching bag didn't split with the force of the self-directed anger that never left, never felt better, it just rolled with a slow boil. Time passed at that strange pace where it's both agonizingly slow and lightning fast. Nothing changed, for better or for worse.

~~*~~

When David paused for breath he could hear the leather bag creaking and straining in warning. With a sigh he rummaged in his bag for the roll of duct tape and patched up the protesting weak spot. When he got done he tossed the roll on his bed and looked at the clock.

 _11:39? I've been at this for three hours straight and Hal didn't break the door down telling me to take a..._

He remembered why they weren't talking. What happened seven days ago. The soldier combed his fingers through his sweaty hair and crept towards the door. With silence and care he opened the door a crack and peered into the dimly lit living room. He could see the back of Hal's head; the hacker was on the couch with a computer in his lap, working on some code or info or maybe minesweeper. Right there, ten feet away, but it felt like miles.

 _This has to end._ Dave thought, quietly closing the door. _Something has to change or something's going to snap._

After some consideration to the fact that he'd been working up a sweat for three hours, he decided to take a quick shower before he approached the other man. While he was cleaning up he tried to plan out what he was going to say, but nothing seemed to stick. It was already proven that apologizing wasn't going to work, given that doing so the morning after brought out more anger in the programmer than David had seen in all the years he'd known the man. Every option he turned over was just as wrong as the last, and even after taking a longer shower than he intended he wasn't any closer to a game plan. It looked like he'd have to rely on instinct to take over once he was face to face with Hal, _because that worked so well the last time_ , he thought sarcastically as he pulled on a shirt and jeans.

With the same caution and apprehension dedicated to the moments where he knew he was about to be ambushed by something more than your average Joe soldier, he approached his bedroom door. With a deep breath he turned the knob and stepped out into the main room.

"Hal, we need to-"

The couch was vacant and all the electronics powered down. With the beginnings of a bad feeling settling in his stomach he crossed the room to the kitchen, hoping that Hal was behind the bar fighting with the cabinets. He wasn't there, but David did find a note written in wide black marker taped to the fridge.

 _not kidnapped - just going out  
back by morning  
-O_

The note was probably meant to quell the soldier's worries, but it didn't exactly help. Even though David knew that the programmer knew how to go places by himself and stay off the Patriot's radar, there were a lot of everyday dangers on the wrong side of the tracks. He could get mugged, someone could drug him...

Or he could be doing the same thing Dave had done for the past couple months of Saturdays.

~~*~~

There wasn't any clear path to follow once the soldier got to street level, but there really wasn't anything to do in that area of the city except go north to the row of sleazy bars and stores dealing in the sins of sex and alcohol. Dave headed in that direction, the quickest path memorized after two months of weekly trips. When he got close the short range beacon emitted by Hal's nanomachines showed up on his radar. He wasn't sure if he should be glad that he was getting close or worried that Hal was indeed in such a seedy place.

Since Hal's current batch of nanomachines were on their last legs and all the gaudy lighted signs put out interference, the beacon was thready and spread out, and to top it off it looked like Hal was moving. It proved impossible to track the signal while it was in motion, so Dave growled in frustration and settled against a brick wall, glaring daggers at anyone who passed, until the beacon slowed. Once the signal stopped bouncing he wandered through the alleys trying to find the vague center of the scattered blips, cursing himself and how damn long it was taking him to find the other man.

When he found the heart of it he stopped and stared despite the time he was wasting. Then he cursed some more, with considerable venom, at the neon sign in yellow and green casting its sick light onto his face.

 _Does he know that this is where I've been coming, or is this just proof that there's a higher power with a twisted sense of poetic justice?_ The soldier glared at the sign with great distaste. If Hal was in _that_ place then he had to go in, but then one of his conquests might recognize him and cause a scene. Or try for another round, which would be even worse given the caliber of woman he'd been with.

 _The things I've done... what am I even going to say to him when I find him?_ he wondered for the millionth time. _How could I have ever even dreamed that he should be with me?_

His gaze fell on the dark alley beside the bar. Hal's signal was moving again, so he could be going home. Or he could just be rationalizing himself out of going into that place. In the end he decided to scope out the alley first, then force himself to go inside.

The soldier kept his head turned to the right so he didn't have to look at the wall where the last encounter took place. The alley was clean, giving what part of town they were in, only a few trash cans arranged under the iron stairs leading up to what he assumed as an apartment over the bar. The alley stopped in a dead end only fifteen feet or so from the street.

 _Nothing_. He took a deep breath and steeled himself. _Time to man up and go into that-_

"Tom?"

His cover name of the week, that voice... David spun and saw Hal standing at the mouth of the alley. The soldier crossed the distance on instinct and then stopped a few steps away, once again overcome by simply not knowing what to do. Hal remained motionless, looking that the other man as though he couldn't quite believe that they were both standing there.

"Ron," Dave said, the name a poor fit but the-mission-must-always-come-first, "I..." he trailed off in the face of uncertainty. He could _never_ deserve being with Hal but his partner deserved the truth. Didn't he? And _something_ had to move, to change, because they couldn't keep going like this. Not as working partners and certainly not as friends. For the first time since he let the other man in, David wasn't quite sure which one was more important.

"Look, Tom, it's not a good time," the programmer said, looking over the other man's shoulder as if plotting an escape into the dead end alley. "We should do this some other-"

"No," he interrupted without thinking, "we do this now. We've waited long enough to do this." Dave wasn't quite sure what 'this' was, but the rock was already rolling down the hill and he was just along for the ride. "I know you didn't want the last apology, but I am sorry. It shouldn't have happened like that." Hal's eyebrows rose. That detached humor laughed at the fact that he finally understood what it was like for the hacker when he couldn't make himself shut up about something. "Last Saturday was... fucked up, to say the least. And I just... I never wanted to hurt you. All I want..."

All the reasons why he didn't deserve his partner faded away when he looked into those expressive gray eyes and saw something that just had to be hope. He stepped forward and Hal met him halfway. He didn't look away from those eyes until they slowly closed. His hand came up without him willing it, to brush against his partner's cheek, and when they came together the other man parted his lips.

It took seconds for David's brain to process the off taste on Hal's tongue. Only a second more to stagger back a few steps and automatically wipe his mouth with the back of his hand. Hal was beyond confused and hurt for a moment, but it didn't take long for comprehension to dawn. He bit his lip and looked away while the soldier stared at him in utter disbelief.

They might have stood like that forever, for neither one was willing to confirm what they both knew, if that deep, smooth voice hadn't called from the wrought iron balcony above.

"Hey Ron, you lost?" David turned his head towards the source and saw a good looking man stepping down the closer set of stairs. 'Ron' kept looking at the ground. "The store's right across the street; can't miss the giant pink 'condoms' sign..."

As he reached the bottom of the steps the stranger noticed Dave. He walked towards the other men slowly, taking in the way one was still looking at the ground in shame and one was staring at the other in shock.

"Uh, Ron, I miss something?" he said with concern, reaching out to touch Hal's shoulder.

Protective anger caught up with David long before his brain did. " _Don't_ touch him."

The stranger dropped his hand to turn and scrutinize the soldier. "And you are...?"

"Ron, don't do this," Dave said, the hint of desperation creeping into his voice turning it into a plea.

"Oh," the stranger said, recognition appearing on his face along with a sneer, "you're the drunk who I've served shots to every weekend for the past couple months. The one who's been looking to bang a different dumb slut every time." He looked back at Hal, " _This_ is the guy you're hung up on?"

Dave was never all that good at the finer points of romance when he was alone with his 'target,' let alone when there was an audience. "This doesn't concern you," he growled with obvious threat.

The man didn't budge, he just crossed his arms and leveled a glare right back at the soldier. "I'm not going anywhere. I might not be of the highest class but at least I've the decency to stick around when I'm needed."

"Look," Hal timidly interjected, "he's right, you don't have to get involved..."

"What, leave so you can just forgive everything and let him kiss you, even after everything he's done? Do you even know-"

" _Yes_ ,I _know_ " the hacker said with a little more urgency, "just... let us talk about it, okay?"

The bartender shook his head. "Look, I don't meddle in the mistakes of my clientele, but when it comes down to something like this I won't step away. Do you even know how to care how much of a jerk he's been to you?"

David had almost burned through his admittedly short fuse. An incident with a civilian could lead to unhealthy police investigations, but it was getting harder to care.

"I want you to leave," he said threateningly, " _he_ wants you to leave, so why don't you just-"

"Because he doesn't seem to even understand that he should be mad at you. _You_ don't seem to get it either."

"I know he's got a damn right to be pissed! That doesn't mean he needs to sink down to my level, because he's _better_ than-"

"I'm not."

David and the bartender both stopped and looked at the hacker.

"I'm not who you think I am," Hal said, still looking to the side. "You think I'm this person that... I might be naïve sometimes, I might act like a kid when I'm rambling about anime, but I'm _not_ innocent." He turned his eyes back to the soldier, "I'm just _not_."

The soldier shook his head. "None of us is really-"

" _No_ ," Hal interrupted with the conviction usually reserved for his hopes of stopping Metal Gear. "This isn't some gray area of morality, this isn't original sin, this isn't..." he looked away, "this won't be the first one night stand I've had. Not by a long shot."

When it came to a cover, an act, Hal was good at playing the part. But when he wasn't being someone else, when he was just himself... he was a horrible liar. That's how David knew he _wasn't_ lying.

"But..." the soldier said, trying to wrap his brain around it, "what do you...?"

"It was before I met you. When we met I was focused on work to the point of blocking out everything else... you know how I am." There was almost a laugh in those last words, but when he spoke again it was flat and matter-of-fact. "Before that, in college and right after, I was... reckless. Worse than you've been the past couple months. A lot worse."

Standing there in that alley, Dave suddenly remembered a conversation they'd had back when their working partnership was just starting to thaw into friendship. Hal admitted, with some embarrassment, that the superhero preconception had been hard to shake, even after he'd seen the proof that the soldier was indeed human. David hadn't really understood; things were black and white, and even in the grayscale case of Roy Campbell's betrayal he didn't struggle with it. From his standpoint the basis of human nature was deception and greed.

Except for one Otacon Emmerich. Dave thought of the hacker as something different ever since they started working together. Special. Innocent. Even when they found their first real lead to Big Shell and Hal told him about his step-mother... it never really touched the way the soldier saw his partner.

David looked at him, knowing what he'd already done and planned to do with this stranger, knowing that it wouldn't be the first time, knowing that Hal knew what he was getting himself into because he'd done it before.

Knowing that Hal stepped into that kiss. That they both wanted it. That his partner was still standing behind the stranger.

"Be... be careful," Dave said, defeated. Then he turned his back on the best thing that ever happened to him and walked away.

~~*~~

The week before was tense. The next was simply dead. When they discussed the mission it was without stammers and adverted eyes, they didn't put in the effortto avoid each other in the tiny apartment, they just _were_. It was a purely professional working relationship, something the soldier had often wished for in Philanthropy's early days. The thought of _be careful what you wish for_ followed him around like a shadow. He might have chafed at the bonds of friendship initially, but now? He'd gotten used to it. To being around the eccentric nerd, to all those endearing quirks, to caring way too damn much. The professional void between them... it just didn't feel right.

However wrong it felt, David let it be. He didn't do anything about it because there was nothing left to do. That kiss in the alley proved that Hal felt something for him and the confrontation that followed proved that it wasn't enough. Dave couldn't exactly blame his partner. Everything that bartender said was true.

So he accepted it, and he tried to make the best of it, chanting that worn out phrase _the mission comes first_ in his head every time he wished things were the way they were.

~~*~~

 _So fucking stupid._

The soldier glared at a random spot on the far wall with such intensity it's a wonder the room didn't burst into flames. He was sitting against the headboard of a plain pine bed; the last tenants took off with no warning so Philanthropy got the place cheap _and_ furnished. It was all very Ikea: functional, non-obtrusive, and generally agreeable to the soldier. There was also the nice fact of not having to sleep on the floor the first week. But then, the state of the safehouse wasn't why David was trying to stare a hole through the wall.

Gauze was wrapped around his left arm, decorated with only a couple flecks of red as the bleeding had finally stopped. The nanomachines left in his bloodstream were sluggishly trying to repair the damage, but it was only a matter of hours before those flickered off like the rest. Not a good time to be between shipments (Mei Ling was tied up in Africa), as the codec was constantly lost to static and the radar flickered dangerously the entire mission. Of course, Snake was good enough to do simple information retrieval without all the shiny tech, and he _had_ been doing well right up until...

He was crouched by the servers while Otacon's lock-whatever gadget went through the database by itself. In the download phase of such missions he always remained alert, listening carefully for anyone walking by so he'd be ready to spring into action if he was discovered. In those waiting game situations he never had a problem keeping his focus on the task at hand. If a concern floated into his head, then he'd squash it. Worrying about things he couldn't do anything about would only get him killed and he _knew that._

So what was he doing when the guard stuck his head in the room and fired off a shot before he could react? He was thinking about watching from the window as the bartender brought Hal home and they hugged goodbye. How Hal limped the next day. The bruise on his cheek. And so he'd gotten out with the intel, but not without raising the alarms and doubtlessly making the next mission or two much more difficult than they needed to be. Not to mention the slug buried in his bicep that _shouldn't be there._

 _So god damn fucking stupid._

The mission must always come first except it didn't this time around. Was he going to slip up again? What was it going to cost him next time? Why couldn't he just _move on_?

He rubbed his eyes, tired of the whole thing. _Leave it to a scrawny nerd, complete with glasses and a disproportionate obsession with big eyed cartoons, to break down all my years of training in social avoidance. Only he could make me care like this._ He slumped down and was just considering trying to get some sleep when the door creaked open.

"Um... Snake?"

He frowned, unsure as to why his partner was standing there in the doorway. It wasn't as though the injury warranted constant checks; even when they were still talking Hal would have left him alone at that point.

"Can I..." Hal's voice was taking on that old hesitant tone and Dave wasn't sure how he felt about that. "Can I come in?"

The soldier nodded, wondering why it suddenly felt like the Twilight Zone.

The hacker took a few steps forward, stopping by the foot of the bed to wring his hands. "It's just..." he paused as if trying to find the right words. "It's just that..."

The floodgates opened.

"It's just that I hate how you were talking about going down to your level, and how you think that two weeks ago was all your fault when I'm just as guilty, and then that thing out in the streets and that kiss and I just don't know what to do with all this-"

"Hal," the soldier interrupted, knowing that his partner could carry on for an hour and never get to the point. The programmer's mouth snapped shut. "Hal. just... breathe and tell me what you're trying to say."

Hal took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "What I'm trying to say?" He looked back at the other man. "What I'm trying to say is..."


	9. Real

Ever since that first hint of real attraction set in—loving the _man_ instead of just the idea—Hal always thought that if it ever actually happened it would feel like a dream. Constant second guessing, wondering if it was real... never being able to fully give in because it would simply be too good to be true.

He was glad, happy, _elated_ , that it wasn't the case.

"Mph, wait," the hacker leaned back and looked at his partner seriously. "What I was going to say, um..."

Dave just grinned that sexy, cocky grin, ran his hand down the other man's arm, and replied, "I think I get the picture."

And then it was the stubble scraping against his face, the strong arms holding him tight, the hard thighs he was straddling, the meeting of tongues and lips that left them both gasping. It was the touch, the heat, and the hunger he'd been imagining and so much more.

 _Nothing_ , he thought as a strong hand tightened in his hair, crushing their mouths together with even more delicious force, _**nothing** this good could **ever** be a dream. _

~~*~~

David pulled Hal closer until their chests and stomachs and _hips_ were pressed tight. He put everything he had into that searing kiss: the nights spent lying right beside the other man; the days spent stealing touches and glances; the loneliness that never really bothered him until he met this man who cared so damn much that it seeped through the tiny cracks in the soldier's iron defenses. All of it hit him at the same time. Including his conscious.

It was David's turn to pull away. "Wait, Hal, you can't, I don't-"

"I _will_ find a way to hurt you," the hacker all but snarled before grabbing his partner's face with both hands and crashing their mouths back together.

Dave stopped second guessing himself. He stopped rationalizing. He stopped worrying about what he did or didn't deserve. Hal, _his Hal_ , knew everything and yet the man was still straddling his lap, clinging to him like he was the last stable thing left on the planet, kissing him breathless with _incredible_ enthusiasm.

 _I sure as hell don't deserve this, but who am I to argue with a certified genius?_ he thought with a grin as he moved his hand down to squeeze the programmer's thigh. Encouraged by the soft sigh, David grabbed Hal's ass. The hacker buried his face in the other man's neck with a groan and started biting and sucking, earning an answering rumbling growl. The soldier slid his fingertips under the denim waistband and rubbed in slow circles as his throat was attacked.

Dave let the other man make hickeys for a couple minutes, then he stopped being passive by pulling Hal's hips roughly forwards. Another moan from the hacker, that sexy curve of his spine, and then they were staring into each other's smoldering eyes.

"David?"

"Mmm?"

"Do you have any more condoms?"

The question was asked with no faltering stammers, no embarrassed blushes, no nervous looking away. Hal's tone was up front, serious, and just the sound of it made Dave all the harder. He gave the hacker one last kiss, and then another, and another until finally he was able to urge Hal off his lap so he could get up and dump out his duffle bag. The expectant grin didn't leave his face until he realized, with no small degree of cursing, that he didn't have a single one left.

"Oh," came a disappointed sigh from the bed. Dave rummaged through his things one last time as Hal thought out loud. "I guess it's just as well since I don't think we don't have anything to help, um, smooth out the experience. What we used... um..." the soldier slowed in his search, remembering their first time, "well it's back at the old HQ. We don't have anything but shampoo and that's... bleh."

 _He's right_ , the soldier silently agreed as he stuffed his things back into the duffel, _it is just as well. We don't need to make the same mistake of going too fast again._ He dropped the back and turned back towards the bed. _We can settle for_

Hal was lying on his stomach on the edge of the bed with one arm hanging down to brush the floor. He was wearing a pair of dark blue jeans and a muted green turtleneck, both of which actually fit him. Against the light bedspread the effect was to perfectly outline his shoulders, legs, and everything in between. He was the very picture of dejected, but when their eyes met it melted away to be replaced with a soft smile and an intense longing.

"I guess tomorrow?" Hal asked as he rolled onto his side and propped himself up on his arm. "Tonight we can just..."

He trailed off as David crossed the distance between them without a word, leaned down, and pressed their lips together. Before they broke apart the soldier had half crawled onto the bed, Hal's free hand was hooked into the front of Dave's waistband, and they were both out of breath.

"I saw a place..." It took an incredible amount of self-discipline to remove Hal's hand from his lower stomach, but Dave did it. "I saw a place when we were driving in." He leaned in for another quick kiss. "It's only a couple blocks away." And another. "I'll be right back." Another battle of will and David was across the room pulling on his shoes. "All right?" he asked, daring to look back at the bed.

Flushed cheeks, those warm gray eyes, a breathless smile... "I'll be right here."

~~*~~

After he heard the front door slam, Hal fell back against the bed grinning like a fool.

 _I am **not** going to hug the pillow and giggle like a teenage girl, I'm **not** going to do it, I'm just **not**..._

He supposed that laughing without the pillow hugging wasn't that bad. He felt physically light with all the tension and worry gone, the absence of the weight leaving room for an expectant flutter in his stomach and the lower regions

 _Oh god, this is really happening. We're **together**_. He got up and started pacing in the room in an effort to work off the energy that filled him to the brim. _Maybe I should turn off the lights. But wait, I want to see Dave when he comes back, when we're... and I should take my glasses off or else they'll get knocked off and crushed and without them it's impossible to see in the dark_. He flicked the lights on and off experimentally. _What about my clothes? This shirt is tighter than I usually wear and I'll probably get all tangled up if I try taking it off when he's here making me all excited. But what if he wants to watch me strip, or wants to take it off himself? Ahhh, those strong hands tugging my jeans down..._

Hal flopped back onto the bed and this time he couldn't resist hugging the pillow as he laughed.

 _So much for not acting like a teenage girl_ , he thought as he fought to get it all under control. _But I don't even care anymore because **he wants me**. And it's **real**._

~~*~~

 _All right, Snake, you've gone out to face your death dozens of times. This is **easy**. _

The soldier chanted this in his head as he approached the counter, working up the nerve to simply clear his throat. When he did the overly pierced and tattooed girl looked up from the calculus she was working on. An eyebrow was raised, dyed bright blue like the rest of her hair, at his silence. Brave super soldier he might be, but he was finding it difficult to ask a girl less than half his age something like this.

"I, uh," _just spit it out already!_ "I need some help... over here."

She _almost_ kept the amusement off her face as she closed her textbook and followed him. "All right, sir, what exactly do you need help with?" She asked in a level tone as if she was helping him with socks and not the wall of lube.

"An old friend and I moved in together, and well..."

"All of a sudden you're more than just friends?" the girl finished for him, probably sensing that this exchange was going to take forever if she didn't help it along.

He nodded, thinking that his voice would surely crack under the embarrassment.

"Am I right in guessing this friend will be the first guy you've ever been with?"

He wondered if she'd been working at a sex shop for a long time or if she was just naturally that intuitive. Of course, her comment brought his thoughts back to Hal, waiting for him to get back with the necessary equipment so they could-

"Which kind will be best for..." he rushed, asking himself _why does she have to be so damn young?_ while avoiding her eyes, "I mean, it's been a while, for him, and I don't want to..."

"Awwww!" Dave could almost swear he saw stars in her eyes and pledged to stop watching the exceptionally bizarre animes with Hal. "That is so sweet, and _annoyingly_ rare, to see someone actually care about how their partner feels in the morning." She turned to the wall and plucked up a rather large tube. "This'll do the trick."

The soldier accepted it with both gratitude and embarrassment. "... Thanks."

She beamed at him. "I'll be right over there when you need to check out!" With that she darted back to her homework.

 _Why couldn't it have been a man? Or at least a grown woman? Why is this bothering me so damn much?_

He shook his head, aggravated with himself for being so shook up, and forced himself over to the wall of condoms so he could get it over with. After a brief internal debate over what the most diplomatic number would be (and wondering why he was so damn jittery), he paid the still smiling girl and made his hasty exit, all but running the three blocks to their building. It was only on the third landing, halfway to their floor, that he slowed.

 _Am I making the same mistake all over again by going too fast?_ Dave lingered in the hallway with his hand on the doorknob. _I... I don't want to screw this up. Not again. I can't take losing him again_.

He took a deep breath and promised himself that he wasn't going to let his control break as soon as he saw his partner again. After taking the necessary precautions in securing the door and making sure no one was hiding in the linen closet, he pushed the bedroom door open.

The ceiling light had been turned off, leaving the single bedside lamp to cast its dim yellow glow on the room. Hal was lying on his stomach, shirt gone and head pillowed on his arms. At the soft creak of old hinges he looked up, eyes darting to the bag held at the soldier's side, and smiled with both affection and strong desire.

 _Stick with it!_ "Hal, look..."

The programmer's face instantly fell.

"No, don't look like that... it's just..." David sighed. "We shouldn't rush this."

Hal slowly turned onto his side and then studied his partner for a long minute. Though the man was never without something to say, even if it was something nonsensical about candy bars, it seemed as though he was having as much trouble finding the right words as the soldier.

"David," he said slowly, "I think we've waited long enough."

"Hal-"

"I don't want to lose any more time."

The house of cards toppled over onto the soldier's head with the weight of lead. Time. The gathering wrinkles. The gray at his temples. The way he can still get the job done but there's that little twinge that wasn't there a few years ago. He might resent his government betraying him but he _never_ resented the fact that death was his companion on the battlefield, ally and enemy and cold observer at all times. But in that moment at Big Shell when he truly realized how short his time was... he actually internally raged about how unfair it was, and he wasn't thinking of himself.

When they first started working together the soldier scoffed at the offhand mutterings of his partner, but now he knew that it was the simple truth: everyone Hal cares about leaves in the end.

 _I'm not going to be any different. I'm going to leave him... if not by a bullet then by my body shutting down. He's going to watch me reach eighty in less than a decade_. Before, when being with the hacker was nothing more than a dream, he could keep the regret at arm's length. Now, with the man half undressed and that damn bag bumping against his leg to remind him of how much more Hal was going to lose...

"David," he heard, bringing him out of his contemplative trance. His name never felt as real as when Hal said it. _He_ never felt as real as when he was with the strange skinny nerd. "David, please... it hurts to not be with you."

 _I'm going to leave him whether I like it or not_ , the soldier thought with his eyes on the floor. _But now, at least for a little while, I can make sure that he has the kind of lover he deserves._

"You're right," he said, forcing the cockiness into his tone as he swaggered towards the foot of the bed, "it would be hard to spend another night not touching you, holding you, making you scream..."

Hal's expression flashed back into one of expectant desire, his eyes darting once again to the bag in his partner's hand. Dave tossed it onto the bed and then quickly rid himself of shirt and shoes. Barefoot and naked to the waist, he eyed the hacker with a look that could only be described as predatory. Hal met his gaze with equal intensity, shifting to the center of the mattress without ever looking away from those piercing green eyes. He was leaning back on his arms with legs slightly splayed and falling apart a little more when David put his weight on the bed and started deliberately moving up the length of his partner's body.

One of the things that always bothered him about being with Meryl was the way her expectant eyes held a touch of fear that never faded. The knowledge that she was afraid of him, even in some unconscious way, was always nagging at him when they were together.

Hovering above Hal in the dim light, powerful and lithe, all he saw in those gray eyes was pressing need and desire, a softer and deeper affection, and a thrill that held no trace of fear. Sparking energy surged between them, as powerful as the shocks the soldier received in Alaska, all of the pleasant heat pooling in his lower belly.

Through it all, the silent war, the turbulent life, these past couple of months, Hal remained his tech, his friend, his lover, his _partner_ in all senses of the word. This meeting of bodies wasn't predator and prey, the wolf bearing down on the helpless rabbit, but a joining of _equals_. That's what made Hal different. Special. It's why the soldier loved him so damn much.

"Hal..." he whispered, and for once the words came easily, "you're the only one who's ever made me feel this way."

 _It's a good thing he turned down the lights_ , David thought, gazing at the man lying beneath him, _otherwise that smile might've blinded me._

~~*~~

Hal couldn't think of a response for _that_ , so he grinned like a fool until he regained enough brain power to wrap his arms around his partner's neck. He pulled himself up to lick and suck at the marks he started earlier that night. Dave supported him by slipping a hand under his back and pulling the hacker up so that their bare chests were pressed together, still suspended off the bed by the soldier's free arm. Hal had always been amazed by the other man's physical prowess, and feeling the flex of hard muscles against his body almost made him lightheaded.

Doubt rose up, questioning what the solder really thought about this frail body held against him, and Hal sent it straight back to the depths of his subconscious. Ever since they became friends he knew that Dave valued his mind for more than mission support, and he saw how his partner looked him up and down— _several_ times—when standing at the foot of the bed. _I might not be able to think of myself as handsome even now... but it's obvious what Dave thinks, and who am I to argue with him?_

Hal remembered his glasses when the angle of their grapple dug the pads into the bridge of his nose. He winced and let his arms go limp. David lowered him to the mattress and looked worried until Hal pulled the offending glasses off with a glare. As soon as they were safely on the nightstand the soldier descended upon his partner again.

This time was different from the kisses they shared before Dave went out on his errand; slower, sweeter, the lustful hunger dying down to an ache that still demanded fulfillment, but in a quieter throb. It gave them time to adjust, to remember all they'd learned in that messed up night and forgotten in the two weeks of crossed signals since. What spot on his neck makes him moan when it's kissed? What patch of his back makes him arch when it's rubbed? All those little things to be explored with a new lover until they become habit.

It wasn't until David lowered himself so that he was lying on Hal instead of hovering above him, his weight very present but not crushing, that Hal felt those old insecurities return with force. He stubbornly ignored them and focused on the hot mouth claiming his, the firm back under his hands, but it wasn't long before Dave lifted his head to look at the programmer quizzically.

"You're tense all of a sudden."

"It's nothing," he responded, hoping his smile didn't look fake. "Just keep doing what you're-"

"Hal," the soldier said firmly, "no more secrets."

 _Dave's right,_ the hacker thought, looking away. _I'm still so ashamed about being with **him**... then again, it's not like it's any worse that what he already knows about my past love life... _

"I just..." he forced himself to look back at his partner. "I just get a little... claustrophobic when there's nothing but the mattress and whoever's on top of me."

Without a word David moved, the two of them shifting so they were lying on their sides and facing each other.

"Sorry..." Hal murmured, his head tilted down and eyes on his partner's chest. He knew he was automatically drawing back inside his shell and that David hated it when he did that, but old habits die hard.

Those hands powerful enough to effortlessly crack bone gently stroked Hal's hair, shifting again so their legs were tangled together. He felt so warm and safe, wrapped up in his soldier's arms, but those bad memories still had a long reach.

"Do you..." David said slowly, "Is it okay if I ask you why?"

"Um, yeah," Hal gulped, reasoning with himself. Dave knowing about Julie didn't ruin their friendship, so knowing about _him_ shouldn't do any more harm. "He was my first boyfriend. It was... it was almost like Shadow Moses, where I really should have figured out that I was being used and it was so obvious after it was thrown in my face... I caught him with another boy on our one year anniversary."

"... Oh." a kiss was pressed against the hacker's forehead. "How... how young were you?"

Hal snuggled in closer, curling up against his soldier. "Sixteen."

Once, Dave told him that there was only one civilian that he could kill in cold blood. From the way the other man's arms were tightening protectively around him, Hal could guess that the list just reached two.

"David..."

"Look, while we're... reminiscing," the soldier said softly, almost too low to be heard. "I just... I triggered it."

"What?" Hal asked in complete confusion.

"The nightmare you had. The really bad one." The words started coming out in a rush, "After that mission where I came back drugged. You were asleep and I was too out of it to figure out that I shouldn't kiss you and that triggered it..."

"... Oh."

The silence stretched on like the quiet tension of the past few weeks.

"Look, Dave..." he said, suppressing a shudder in remembering that dream and forcing logic back to the forefront. "Yes, you might have made it seem more real to my subconscious, but I had to have already been in the nightmare." He smiled, a small smile but it was genuine. "If I was having a nicer dream, one about you, then you'd've just made it better..."

"That's why," the soldier continued as if he hadn't heard that last part. "That's why I've been going out on Saturday nights."

Hal squirmed around so he could look his partner in the eyes.

"I was walking around the city a couple days after it happened. I was thinking about it, trying to find some way to keep it from happening again, and I thought that maybe if I worked out some of this _frustration_ then I might..." A humorless laugh. "It all sounds so stupid now."

"David, look at me." Hal took the soldier's face in his hands but the other man still looked away. It was clear that Dave deeply regretted the whole situation. "Please look at me. _Please_." Green eyes slowly moved to meet gray. "It's okay. You don't have to apologize or explain-"

"Don't have to apologize?" he interjected, getting that look where he's mad at the hacker but actually angry at the people in his past that helped drag his self-worth through the mud. "How can you even _think_ that I don't owe you an apology?"

It was Hal's turn to look away. He took a deep breath and answered quietly, "I know what it's like to be in a relationship you know you should stop but it just..." he shut his eyes as if it would make the ghosts go away, "it just goes on."

An impossibly long, agonizing moment passed, and then Dave's hand was on his cheek, gently urging Hal to turn his head back. _We're just taking turns not looking at each other out of shame now_ , the hacker thought cynically as he complied. When David pulled him closer, ready to kiss it all better, Hal ducked his head once again.

"If there's anything else you need to say or ask... let's do it all now."

"I don't-"

"No secrets," Hal insisted desperately. " _Please_."

At those begging words the soldier stopped, resting his forehead against his partner's, and thought for a long while before finally asking, "Did you have sex with him?"

Hal bit his lip trying to keep the challenge out of his tone, and failed. "And if I did?"

Another unbearably long pause, and then calloused fingers lifted his chin.

"Then I'm just going to have to kiss you until neither of us remembers."

"I've already forgotten," Hal smiled, still sad but he knew he was approaching a bright dawn.

And then they were cheek to cheek and he could feel that smirk against his ear as hot breath whispered, "So have I."


	10. Equal

Taking a moment to face the cruel facts of reality had thrown them into a slump, but it didn't take them long to get past it. Touches grew bolder, kisses grew more passionate, and it all served to erase the gloom that had settled between them.

Suddenly they were rolling, Dave positioning them so that he was lying under the hacker. Hal had barely enough time to moan his approval at the extra skin contact before his mouth was again claimed and strong hands were rubbing his back. Even though Hal wanted it to go on forever the physical needs were starting to catch up with the emotional, and so he roughly pressed their hips together almost in spite of himself. He whimpered at the contact as the mercenary growled, and then they were pressed even closer than before. That heat was building, swelling, racing towards a single destination...

"Dave?" he gasped in his partner's ear. "Where did that bag go?"

~~*~~

 _Just when I thought I couldn't get any **harder**_ , David thought as he struggled to answer. Finding that he couldn't quite bear to tear himself away just yet, he nipped at Hal's earlobe and took definite delight in the mewls of pleasure his partner was making. The noises were still being suppressed and Dave had to fight the urge to tell him, over and over, that those moans and whimpers were nothing to be embarrassed about. He knew that it was going to take a lot of time to overcome the bad lessons that had been drummed into his partner since he was a teenager.

Until then, he'd just have to keep catching Hal off guard so his fear didn't have enough time to clamp his mouth shut.

" _Ah!_ Mnnnn..."

David grinned at the small victory and continued attacking his partner's ear as he finally gave into temptation and opened both their flies. He didn't touch himself—he just needed to get out of the too tight denim—and instead groped Hal through thin boxer briefs. A big, throbbing part of him was ready to rip both their clothes off, but the part of him that Hal brought to life held him back. Just a little more sweet torture, a few more stolen moans...

The hacker suddenly clutched at his partner with a different intensity, a shiver running through his whole body and his stifled a loud cry by biting Dave's shoulder. Though he muffled the sound, the soldier could feel the vibration of it against his chest. Hal's response was to grind down hard as he licked and sucked at the spot he just bit. The soldier let his head fall back to give Hal better access.

Even as the object of David's intense desire worked a hand into his pants and went to work at making his mind turn to mush, there was a part of him still lucid enough to laugh. _I better never tell him how my fantasies went before this. Treating him like glass, like some weak woman; what was I thinking? Then again..._ he grinned, thinking of the possibilities. _Maybe if I tell him he'll prove me wrong with more of this biting and rough handling..._

At that point the amused voice was drowned out by the hormones and maddening desire, and it took all the sense he had left not to flip their positions and send Hal back into that tense state. Eventually it all came to be too much and he remembered his partner's question.

"The bag, right..." he mumbled, propping himself up on an elbow with no warning in an effort to jostle them apart. Hal withdrew from his partner's jeans and sat up, still straddling the sprawled form of the larger man, and chuckled as he moved his hands over the muscles of David's abdomen with firm pressure. David couldn't tear his eyes from his partner's body and so he searched for the bag blindly, finally touching the crinkled plastic and pulling it towards them.

Hal reached for it, the old familiar look of curiosity mingling with the new look of desire. He raised his eyebrow as he withdrew the sizable tube of lubricant.

"So we have enough, I mean..." Dave found himself explaining without thinking, the embarrassment he felt back at the shop creeping back in. For once the hacker had nothing to say; he just smiled mysteriously and fished around in the bag again.

"You only got three?" he asked at length, squinting down at his partner. The fact that Hal obviously doubted that three condoms would be enough made David moan. At the sound the hacker dropped the bag and leaned forward to share another searing kiss, their open flies pressing together and making them both shudder with pleasure. When Hal broke the kiss he stayed close enough that their noses touched. Gray eyes stared into green with a force that made Dave's breath hitch.

"So..." Hal asked with a seductive grin that looked so out of place, but David was damn sure he could get used to it, "how do you want to do this?"

Possibilities filled David's head, the sum total of his months spent fantasizing plus a little more he thought of on the spot. It was almost mind boggling, looking at all that and knowing that pretty soon it was going to be more than just fantasy. They were going to be partners in all senses of the word: friends, colleagues, lovers, equals...

He thought about the mistake they made two weeks previous. He thought about his own misconceptions. He thought about Hal's past history of being used. He thought about how much he loved the man.

He was broken out of his thoughts by a playful lick along his jawline.

"What's wrong," Hal asked, still grinning, "did I short out your brain?"

"Hal."

The programmer could tell that something significant was about to happen, and his expression grew serious. David reached up to brush back shaggy bangs and stroke his partner's cheek. Hal leaned into the touch and chewed on his lip, waiting for Dave to make the next move. The soldier fought with himself, knowing that it had to be said and that it was what Hal deserved, but his throat just didn't want to work properly. Finally he found his voice. For the most part.

"I..." _Just say it!_ "Hal... I want, um, you to... take, uh... _top_."

Hal's expression was frozen in slack-jawed shock for all of five seconds before he suddenly burst into laughter. David remained frozen in disbelief for another three before he shoved the hacker off him.

"The _hell_ is so funny? I'm being serious, damnit!" he fumed as he glared daggers at his partner. Hal clamped a hand over his mouth in an attempt to smother the hysterics, but it didn't work too well. David had his legs over the side of the bed before he remembered, like a brick to the temple, that storming out on Hal Emmerich was the worst thing he could possibly do.

"Hal, I'm s-"

"No, don't apologize for something you have every right to be mad about," Hal said with all the sincerity he had, which was a fair amount. Then his arms were around Dave's middle and open-mouthed kisses were being pressed against strong shoulders. The soldier remained motionless, trying to resist the touch until he got an answer for what just happened.

Hal pressed his cheek to the back of his partner's neck and continued, "That was..." David found himself tensing at his partner's chuckle in spite of himself. "I'm sorry, but the look on your face when you said that..." His tone grew serious. "I'm sorry, please don't be mad..."

"I'm not mad," he grumbled, and the hacker's knowing 'hmph' warmed his neck. "Okay, I'm mad," he admitted, "but not enough that-"

Hal hugged him closer, and Dave felt a warm smear of liquid where the tip of his partner's erection brushed his back. Any lingering anger melted away and was replaced by a groan.

"David?"

The soldier twisted so that their mouths could meet again. When they broke apart, all the anger he felt was directed inwards.

"I shouldn't have acted like that," he grumbled, looking away.

"Like what?"

"Anything that could make you laugh."

David felt the curve of his partner's smile against the back of his neck. "How you looked was only a little of that... I'm just so relieved that we're _together_ that I couldn't stop laughing. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that to you, but you know how I get carried away..."

The soldier nodded as a dozen examples rushed to mind. Still, Hal's mental wanderings aside... "I was being serious," he said in earnest even as he kept his eyes on the floor.

Hal's arms tightened around the soldier's middle. The truth, thankfulness, and affection rang loud and clear even though he barely whispered, "I know."

"I shouldn't have so much trouble _saying_ it," David mumbled, and it was obvious how angry he was at himself for the hesitation that he couldn't push away.

"You're a legendary super-soldier who just offered dominance to a scrawny geek," Hal laughed, the amusement tempered by the gratitude that was still so evident in his voice and the warm way he held his partner. "It _is_ understandable."

"That's not what we are," Dave said with force, eyes closed in concentration as he tried to get the point across. "Well, we are, but just because our skill sets are different it doesn't mean..." He trailed off when he started stumbling. Hal waited, quiet and still, for his soldier to find the words.

After a couple deep breaths, David started again. "You're my _partner_ , Hal. You're the only person I can trust anymore, my best friend..." he reached up to squeeze the hands still resting on his abdomen. "We're _equals_. Giving top to my equal— _without_ choking—shouldn't be this damn hard."

There was a long moment of silence broken only by their ragged breaths. For what seemed an eternity they remained locked together: Hal's arms around his waist, chest pressed to his back, bowed head resting on his shoulder, and the warmth of his partner's hands warming his own bloodstained fingers.

The question of what he didn't deserve resurfaced as the mercenary stared at the dark corners of the room. Those shadowy spaces were his domain, and while he knew better than to think of Hal as the bright noon sun, even the glow cast on the hacker's face by his laptop screen was more light than the soldier was used to, figuratively speaking.

He knew that this line of reasoning didn't make any kind of sense; Hal deserved happiness, and if this is where he found it then Dave couldn't deny him. Still, it felt selfish, and the soldier couldn't shake that any easier than he could stop stumbling over the thought of his partner taking him. Keeping an open mind saved his life more than once, but now, when it _really_ mattered, he found himself hung up on something so stereotypically _soldier_ that he was getting exceptionally pissed at himself.

Just as his temper was starting to seriously flare inward, he was broken away from his personal assault by Hal moving to straddle his hips. The hacker didn't sit down, and instead remained 'standing' with his weight on his knees. David instinctively grabbed the programmer's hips to keep him from falling off the bed, and when the new embrace added another warm smear to the soldier's skin he had to bite his lip to keep himself from throwing Hal back on the bed and just going for it.

Hal tangled his hands in the soldier's dark hair and urged him to look up. When he did his heart felt as though it would pound right through his ribcage. The programmer's raggedly cut bangs hung down to frame his face in a way that made him look absolutely stunning. David looked up at his partner, his Hal, his _lover_ with wonder. How could two men so different, and yet so alike, find their way through the world into each other's arms?

Both their bodies were so heated and flushed that pressing together felt like an inferno that neither one wanted to leave. The soldier turned his eyes away for a moment to kiss the other man's chest as he moved his hands to more interesting locations. Hal bit his lip and said nothing as he made a blind man's study of the mercenary's face.

At length the hacker said his partner's name, his voice so low and dark with desire that it made David groan. His head was thrown back far enough that his neck protested the slightest bit, but it didn't matter when Hal bent down to kiss him again. It was fierce and possessive and so many other things that made Dave's head spin.

"Promise me," Hal breathed, his eyes heavy lidded and dark with passion, "you have to promise me you'll stop beating yourself up about how you said that."

The internalized anger sprang back up.

" _No_ ," the hacker ordered with an incredible quiet force before kissing the soldier with an intensity that was almost his undoing. " _Promise_."

Dave's pulse was thudding so hard in his throat he could hardly hear himself think. "Hal, I know better, I know what you are to-"

"I know how much you like it when I moan."

That simple statement brought the mercenary's self-inflicted tirade to a screeching halt. Hal's voice was so heady, so powerful, so downright fucking sexy that all he could do was gape.

The hacker's lips curved into a small pleased smile at the other man's reaction. He continued, "I can see how much you like it, and you keep telling me, so I _know_. But I'm still suppressing every noise, because that's what I'm used to doing."

Dave expected the sadness and regret, as there always had been, but this time none of the negative crossed his partner's features. There was only this incredible joy and freedom that the soldier was going to see a whole lot more of if he had anything to say about it.

"I'm used to it, David, but it's going to change." His face grew determined. "It's not going to happen tonight, but it's going to happen." He laughed and kissed his soldier again. "I'm going to _moan_ for you and without holding back. And that's how it's going to be with you. You just have to give it time to get used to the idea."

The mercenary pressed his lips to the other man's chest again. He all but mumbled, the anger dying down to a sort of irritated shame, "I shouldn't have to get used to the idea."

"And if it was a perfect world it wouldn't take me a second to stop swallowing all the moaning you've caused." There was a touch of scolding in the hacker's gaze by that point. "I don't want to do something you're uncomfortable with. But you won't be that way forever. And then..." he must have been imagining said event because his face was the very picture of expectant desire. "Then I'll take you up on your offer."

The eagerness was mirrored on the soldier's face, despite that piece of him that still squirmed. He realized that Hal was right; he would get over it and then he'd give himself over completely.

"But tonight..." Hal continued, the grin on his face still looking so out of place but Dave was already getting used to it and was damn well loving it, "you're going to take me. And we better get down to it because I don't know how much longer I can wait."

David spared a hand from holding his partner up to rub at the flesh poking out from the front of the hacker's jeans. He groaned for the both of them as he felt Hal shudder.

"That makes two of us."

~~*~~

Their odd position was already putting a lot of strain on Hal's muscles, and with the added weak-in-the-knees at the soldier's heated ministrations he lost his legs completely. David caught him easily and twisted to put him back on the bed before standing and making short work of his jeans and boxers. The hacker stared unabashedly at his partner's freed member. When he forced himself to glance upwards he saw the very definition of predatory desire written in piercing green. It was returned in cool gray turned searing as he threw his legs over the side of the bed and urged his partner closer, laying a wet kiss on those hard abs and reaching up to steady his target...

Those calloused hands closed over his shoulders and pushed him back.

"Why are you stopping me?" he pouted, belatedly realizing that his tone was somewhere along the lines of teenage girl. He was quickly distracted away from his embarrassment by a rough push that put his back to the covers, reminding him that there was a very strong, sexy, _naked_ David standing over him. He licked his lips, making another visual sweep of all those firm muscles and all that scarred skin just begging to be touched. Licked. And then some.

The mercenary knelt by the bed and hooked his fingers in the waistband of the hacker's jeans. "Not tonight. Tonight," and oh, that smile was sweet, "it's your turn."

A couple hard tugs and a little wriggling freed Hal from his remaining clothing. For once he didn't worry about how skinny he was, how his hair looked, the nigh inescapable concern of size; if he was nothing to get excited about then Dave wouldn't be panting. He propped himself up on his elbows, chest heaving and legs splayed, and he _grinned_. For once that voice of doubt was well and truly silent. David would never lie to him, _ever_ , so that huffing breath and those hungry eyes couldn't be anything but the hallmarks of genuine, barely controlled desire. And then there was the knowledge that David was willing to put himself in the submissive position, that he'd steadfastly offer even though he was so uncomfortable with it... that was the greatest thrill of all, and the sheer magnitude of it swept away any insecurities.

He was jerked from his musings by Dave's impatient urging that he lay flat on the bed. He obliged, the grin never leaving his face, and settled against the pillows. It was almost like something out of the Twilight Zone, seeing the powerful soldier crouched on the end of the bed and looking that nervous as he reached for The Bag.

"I..." the mercenary toyed with the tube absently, "I'm not sure how much to use..."

There was a teasing smirk on Hal's face, and it was the kind of smirk that could only be made by someone with experience while looking at someone else with none. Almost standing outside himself in his newfound confidence, he heard himself say:

"Virgin."

And Dave glared at him, of course, but there was an undercurrent to it that let the hacker know that his partner didn't hold too much of a grudge. _Maybe he realizes how far I've come to say something like that_ , Hal thought as he sat up so he could touch his soldier's face. _Heh... maybe he just figured he's due for all the times he's teased me..._

"Just use a lot, this time," Hal said with fondness as he stroked the other man's cheek. _The great legend, nervous over sex_. "It'll get all over the sheets but we can sleep in my bed tonight."

David leaned into the touch and grinned. "Philanthropy'll save a lot of money from now on." At the programmer's raised eyebrow he leaned in for a quick kiss and gave the answer, "Only have to get one bedroom from now on."

They'd slept in the same bed before, but there was a world of difference between then and now. Hal felt himself getting almost giddy at the thought of falling asleep next to his partner on a permanent basis. It must have shown in some goofy expression because there was this amused look in Dave's eyes when he pushed the hacker back against the mattress. Amusement, desire, and a tenderness that made Hal's heart melt.

For the first time in a very, _very_ long time, he felt like the luckiest man in the world.


	11. Together

David pushed the engineer back against the pillows before making his advance. He ached to press their bodies together, to feel Hal's heart beat next to his, but his partner's phobia made that impossible. Keeping that in mind he hovered above the other man just long enough to steal one more kiss before moving to settle between skinny legs. Being face to face with Hal's swollen desire made Dave's mouth go dry as that annoying uncertainty welled up again, but the annoyance he felt at being a _virgin_ was far outweighed by the throbbing in his belly.

 _Sometimes the most effective way to learn is to be dropped into a situation_ , he told himself as he hooked one arm under his partner's thigh, reaching up with his other hand to gently squeeze and steady the hacker's length. _I just have to... proceed with caution. Right._

The soldier kept his eyes on Hal's face as he slowly brought his lips down to kiss the tip. The engineer watched in a trance, his breath coming in short pants and his hands fisting in the sheets. When David took the first few inches into his mouth Hal threw his head to the side violently he swallowed the long moan that escaped his throat. Determined to make that happen again, the mercenary closed his eyes and bent his head to the task at hand. Licking, kissing, pumping the hard length... he went with his instincts as to what constituted good blow job and, given the smothered sounds escaping Hal's lips, his instincts seemed to be dead on.

"Ahnnnn..." Hal gasped. "David, pleAH...ha... please, Dave, _please_..."

"Yes," was the reply, more statement than question. The soldier never paused in his ministrations, absolutely loving the way his partner squirmed in wanton pleasure.

"Daaaaave," the hacker whined. He propped himself up on his elbows so he could try—and fail¬¬—¬to glare at the mercenary. By that point David was fully comfortable with the activity, so he locked eyes with his partner and licked Hal's hardness from base to tip. " _Nhnn_... damn it, I don't want it to end like this!"

With that the soldier finally froze. Hal caught his breath and then continued.

"I don't want to come yet. I..." his smile was all affection and longing. "I don't want to come until we're... you know... _together_."

".... Oh," was all that Dave could muster. The scorching fire of passion made way for the long burning heat of true caring. His throat constricted at the power of his feelings, rendering him mute as he gazed at the amazing man lying before him. It really hit him that this wasn't a dream or half-baked fantasy; this was _real_. His amazing, innocent, infuriating partner was sprawled out on the sheets with splayed legs and his face flushed with pleasure. It was too perfect to believe.

Then that wicked grin was back on Hal's face. "I don't want to come until you're pounding into me. _Hard_."

 _Scratch 'innocent'_ , Dave thought as the fire raged back with a vengeance. It was only slightly tempered by beginner's anxiety. "How... how do I...?"

"Just take it slow," Hal encouraged as he grabbed the lube from where it had been dropped on the bed. Then he shot his partner the scolding look he usually reserved for smoking indoors, "But _don't_ take it too slow. I'm not going to break." He pressed the tube into his partner's hand with a final sort of firmness.

David could only nod and mechanically unscrew the top. He squeezed some of the cool jelly onto his fingers and tried to convince himself that they weren't trembling. There was a teasing quality to Hal's smile that made it clear that he knew exactly how unsure the soldier felt. A part of Dave's fighting spirit raised its hackles but it was quickly toppled by the new surge of desire that came flooding in when he pushed his fingers inside his partner. The hacker's back curved when those fingers pressed deeper.

"Just... just a little more..." he gasped, twisting his hips on instinct.

"Don't want to hurt you," David replied in almost a plea. It was all he could do to keep himself in check as it was; with _his_ Hal writhing on the sheets and begging for it... well, his control was quickly slipping. Remembering their first disastrous time together was all that held him back.

The engineer would have none of it. He propped himself up on his elbows and, despite Dave's fingers inside him and his painful erection lying against his belly, he managed to successfully glare venomous daggers at the other man.

"Do not. Treat me. Like glass," Hal ordered in a tone that left no room for argument.

Dave tried anyway. "I don't want to see you limping tomorrow."

"You're going to be the one limping if you don't get on with it."

The soldier blinked. Several times. In all the years he'd known Hal he'd never known the man to actually threaten anyone. The closest the programmer had ever gotten was promising to run Lucky Star 24/7 if a cigarette was ever lit in the apartment again. Dave didn't think Hal was capable of violence, but there he was faced with bafflingly intimidating gray eyes.

And _damn_ if it wasn't the hottest thing he'd _ever_ seen.

The shock must have shown because Hal's expression softened to concerned. "Are you okay?"

David shook his head with and _grinned_. "You just looked..." he started thrusting his fingers in and out, " _intense_."

Hal bit his lip and smiled when his partner stopped holding back. "I'm allowed to be intense after years of wanting you."

"Yeah?" The mercenary squeezed the other man's sac. "How many?"

"Mmmmm... M'not validating your ego."

"What do you think you're doing every time I get a moan out of you?"

"Then you don't—ahn—need any more hel-"

Dave touched something when he curled his fingers. Hal helplessly thrust off the bed as his arms failed him and he crashed back down. It must have caught the hacker off guard because there was no attempt to suppress the howl that tore from his lips.

"Aaaaaha..." the programmer huffed as the tremors started to slow. He slowly opened his eyes and gazed up at his frozen partner. "David, oh David..."

He struggled to sit up and the soldier met him halfway, their tongues colliding in an aggressive expression of all the months of longing, the years of loneliness, and the here and now of raging lust.

" _Now_ ," the hacker ordered when they broke away for air. " _Please_ , David, I can't wait any more."

There was no argument. They both fumbled with foil wrappers and tubes until the condom was in place and they were both properly slicked up. The only thing that broke the silence was their ragged breaths as Hal settled back against the bed and David moved forward. They came together with a quiet gasp and before long they were rocking together, slowly at first but with building speed as they found their rhythm.

The soldier watched in rapture as Hal's spine formed that delicious arc, as those eyes fluttered with every thrust, as the quiet sounds of their lovemaking were drowned out by their mutual groans. Dave reached for his partner's neglected hardness and found his hand batted away.

"No, no," Hal desperately begged, "it'll end too soon, _please_..."

The calloused hand dropped back down to grip at pale hips. _This is good, this is so good, but I want more. I want us to be closer..._

An idea struck him and he leaned down to slip his arms under the engineer's back. Before Hal could even register the move he was straddling David's thighs. They were pressed together chest to chest, the heat of their bodies combining to send the fires raging higher.

"Is this okay?" Dave breathed as he experimentally bounced the man in his lap. Hal's only answer was to grab his partner's hair and crash their mouths together.

They didn't last long. All too soon their arms were tightening and indecently loud cries were being smothered against each other's necks, leaving them rocking against each other in the wake of crushing orgasms. As they rode it out they lifted their heads to share kisses far more tame than the ones that came before though no less intense. They touched and caressed, smoothing hands over damp skin as the trembling slowly faded.

 _If I had to pick one day that made it all worthwhile... this is it_ , David thought as he applied gentle suction to his partner's neck. _This is the real thing._

He pulled back to gaze into the gray eyes that haunted his dreams, at the man who was both his greatest strength and greatest weakness. In that moment he wondered if he should say it out loud...

He bit his tongue. It was too soon and too dangerous to say it. At this point they might be able to convince their enemies that they were just fuck buddies... Dave groaned when he realized that he was already thinking about the mission. It had to come first, always came first, but did it have to come first right then?

Hal noticed and raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Just the real world creeping back in," Dave answered with irritation, though the sated grin didn't leave his face.

The hacker just smiled and kissed him again. "It can wait another until morning."

"Yeah. We've earned it."

~~*~~

Hal couldn't stop grinning like a fool and he couldn't bring himself to care. He hummed in absolute contentment as a wet, lazy trail was made across his neck and reveled in the feeling of those calloused hands still gripping his hips. There was absolutely nothing in the world that could be better than straddling this particular hard body.

Eventually, reluctantly, they broke apart. Hal slid off the mercenary's lap and started compulsively gathering bits of clothing and small foil packages while the other man took care of the condom. As the endorphins died away it really hit the engineer that this was _real_. He just had sex with his partner. Incredible, wonderful, _amazing_ sex. And neither of them messed up royally this time.

He was brought out of his contemplation by the dull thump of David settling against the headboard. The hacker realized that he was sitting there, cross-legged and naked, with one hand raised to touch his tingling lips. Hal blushed and fidgeted, suddenly feeling silly.

His partner only smirked at the familiar behavior and beckoned him closer. There was a warmth to the soldier's expression, and a lingering hunger, that put the programmer at ease. The awkward feeling faded away as he closed the distance between them.

A patch of white in his vision caught his attention. Hal's eyes went wide as he remembered the soldier's injured arm.

 _Idiot!_ he berated as he reached to inspect the sweat-damp bandage. _I stitched him up not four hours ago, I must've run my hand over the gauze a dozen times in the past thirty minutes, and I **still** managed to **forget**._

"Geeze, Hal, it's nothing." The soldier reached out and ran his hand down his partner's arm with definite suggestion. "Come on. It's all right."

The hacker batted the hand away and continued his inspection, grabbing for his glasses and the nightstand light so he could see properly.

David sat back with a feigned irritation. "Here I thought I'd be able to utilize underhanded sexual tactics for at _least_ a week..."

The other man couldn't keep from smiling. Unabashed he lowered a hand to squeeze the mercenary's still slick length. Dave jerked at the unexpected touch before closing his eyes and groaning softly.

"It looks like _I'm_ the one with the upper hand in this department," Hal said, a true wolf in sheep's clothing. His partner's only response was to grab him by the back of the neck and kiss him deeply.

"Mmmmhm..." David rumbled as they broke apart, appreciatively running his thumb across the hacker's jaw. "I'm starting to think that I got more that I bargained for in taking you to bed."

He was met by sparkling gray eyes. "Having second thoughts?"

"Not on your _life_."

It was another ten minutes before their drying release forced them into the bathroom to clean the sticky remnants away. All the way through mopping up and rewrapping Dave's arm there was teasing banter, loving touches, and sweet kisses. Hal was amazed at how _easy_ it was to be lovers. All their months of painful longing, all the screwed up weeks following their screwed up one night stand, and finally when the moment came they fell into the romance like it was an old habit. Hal felt so secure, so safe. He'd never felt so comfortable with anyone.

The engineer didn't doubt that Dave felt something of the same; while the soldier was physical in their friendship, as a lover in the aftermath he was surprisingly affectionate. There was hardly a moment when a rough hand wasn't caressing pale skin, that smiling lips weren't chastely pressed against temple or cheek. Even with all his years of practice at doubting every good thing to come his way, Hal had no problem pushing away the insecurity when it reared its head.

He wasn't alone in caring this time. It was more than sex, so much more, for both of them.

Hal set his glasses on the counter and then leaned into the hard body before him, arms around his soldier's neck and hands absently toying with coarse locks. Nose to nose they stood, rough palms sliding over a skinny back as they traded tender kisses. Still in awe of how relaxed they both were the programmer playfully said, "You're awfully mushy right now. Never would have guessed."

"Mmhm..." David breathed as he moved his mouth to the hacker's ear. "It's classified information. If you tell anyone I'm going to have to kill you."

"You wouldn't make it a day without me," Hal laughed as he hugged his partner close.

Dave's voice was serious when he softly replied, "I know."

Hal spent a couple seconds wondering what to say to _that_ before crushing their mouths together desperately. His soldier responded in kind, pushing open the bathroom door and steering them both towards the hacker's bed. They fell upon the clean covers with hardly a pause.

Just as Hal was starting to think that he needed to retrieve their supplies, despite the bullet hole in their soldier's arm, another little thought came nagging...

With an annoyed 'mph' he stopped leaving marks on his partner's collarbone. He knew how his own mind worked; if he didn't get it off his chest then it would fester and get a million times worse. So even though he desperately wanted to push the thought back and get seriously started on round two, he lifted his head to meet the gaze of his confused friend.

"Something wrong?" Dave asked, obviously worried. The concern warmed Hal in a way that the fires of lust never could. He smiled and gently brushed the soldier's rough cheek with the back of his hand, caught up in the joy of being the object of such caring desire.

"No. Everything's..." the programmer laughed at the sheer impossibility of this scenario playing out, "... _perfect_."

David relaxed. He turned his head to kiss the hand stroking his face but otherwise waited for Hal to continue.

The engineer bit his lip and told himself to get it over with. "I wasn't completely truthful back there. I mean... well..." Hal took a deep breath and forced himself to get it over with. "I didn't sleep with him.

The blank look on David's face probably meant that he needed a moment to process the information, but now that the gates were open there was no stopping the flood.

"Well, not any farther than you... already figured out. I was supposed to pick up protection and then you showed up and I realized that-"

"You were limping."

Hal blinked while the neurons connected. "Oh! Oh. Well... when you left I went back inside, and I was so twisted up that when he tried to kiss me again," he flushed with embarrassment, "I kind of threw up. Made it to his bathroom at least, and then he was there looking confused and hurt and he didn't do anything wrong and I felt horrible... so I ran. I tripped on the last step and crashed into the wall. Bruised my hip and my cheek..."

He trailed off and looked at the wall, waiting for David to digest the new information so they could get back to what they were doing.

"You didn't _tell_ me?"

Hal's head snapped back around at the anger in those words. The body lying under him was suddenly battle-tense and breathing rapidly. He could see the quick flare of the soldier's short fuse lighting in flashing green eyes.

And suddenly Hal felt that fury mirrored and matched in his own heart.

~~*~~

"I can't _believe_ you," the hacker snarled as he rolled off his partner and the bed. He stomped to the bathroom and reemerged a moment later wearing his glasses and hastily wrapping the soldier's towel around his waist. "You're mad at _me_ for not telling you about my sex life?" Once the towel was secure, Hal stormed back to stand beside the mattress and glare at his partner.

Dave was glaring back. "I haven't been able to think straight for days because I couldn't stop imagining that..." he couldn't think of a word vile enough, " _man_ fucking you, and you didn't tell me that nothing serious happened? Damn straight I'm pissed at you!"

"How many haven't you told me about?" Hal all but yelled.

The soldier swung his legs over the side of the bed and started to get up. "I don't even know what you're talking about n-"

The programmer, usually so docile and non-confrontational, shoved David back down to sit on the edge of the mattress. It finally clicked that his partner had blown past furious and gone straight to a level of outright physical rage that the soldier had never even caught a glimpse of before that night. The realization cut through the rage just enough to keep his mouth shut as Hal loomed over him.

"You _listen_ to me," the hacker said in a low, controlled voice, "and you think. How many Saturdays? How many women, Dave?"

The color drained from the steadfast soldier's face as the statement hit home. The anger and resentment were instantly replaced with bone-crushing regret that hit him like a train. He remained frozen as his partner steamrolled on.

"Let me guess. By my math it was six, right? Seven? Or were you so drunk that you can't even remember how many nights you left me here to imagine what you were..." the fury behind his words faded, revealing the pain lurking beneath, "what you were doing with them? _All_ of them?"

David had no answer. His partner's math and assumptions were dead on. They stared at each other, unblinking and unmoving, as the silence stretched between them like miles. After what seemed like hours Hal broke their gaze, looking at the floor and softly laughing in a humorless way that could only lead to hysterics.

"Fine," he said, tone flat and dead. "Okay."

The soldier saw his partner turn away in slow motion, head down and shoulders hunched in utter defeat. He gaped, somehow unable to comprehend what he was seeing. It wasn't until he was staring at the smooth skin of the hacker's back, when Hal started to take that first step towards the door, that he snapped back to the present.

He lunged, reached, and caught the other man around the middle. Still sitting David slid his arms around the slender waist and held his partner tightly, cheek pressed against the slight bumps of the hacker's spine. He breathed in the scent of that pale skin that had so recently been kissed by sex. Hal didn't say anything, but he didn't try to leave. That gave the soldier hope.

"I'm so sorry, Hal," he said with all the sincerity and honesty he had. "You're right. You're always right. I'm the biggest idiot that ever lived and I will never deserve someone like-"

The hacker suddenly fought at the arms restraining him. Dave couldn't trap Hal again, no matter how much it would hurt, so he let go. He hung his head and had just begun mourning the loss of their budding romance, and the friendship that was so much more important, when he suddenly found the sheets at his back and his partner's legs pressed against his hips.

No words were said. They both clutched at each other in desperation, grabbing hair so hard it hurt and gripping skin so violently it threatened to bruise. Neither man cared. All that mattered was getting as close as possible, sharing fierce kisses, needing to prove to themselves that the moment was _real_.

The frantic energy was quickly spent. Dave flopped down first as the blood loss finally got to him. Hal slowed, moving to lie next to his partner and wound down by raking his teeth and tongue across the soldier's neck. Eventually they both lay still save for the rise and fall of their chests and the small motion of their hands delivering gentle caresses.

"Hmmmm..." Hal sighed happily, pressing another affectionate kiss against his partner's shoulder. "This is nice."

David smiled and pulled the hacker a little closer. "Yeah, it is."

A long pause. Hal propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at his soldier. "Um... Dave?"

"Hm?"

The engineer bit his lip and looked guilty. "I... I'm sorry. For not telling you. About... yeah."

David seemed to consider something for a moment before pulling Hal down on top of him. He held his partner's face in his hands, making sure they were looking each other in the eye before speaking.

"Hal..." The soldier's tone and expression were all seriousness, "don't you _ever_ apologize for something like that."

"But-"

"I mean it. You're right. You're right about everything, about..." shame passed across that rugged face, "about everything. I don't deserve you."

"Dave..."

The soldier's face was the very picture of sincerity and remorse. "I _don't_ deserve you."

Hal couldn't help smiling as he was filled with a warm glow. He kissed his partner soundly and, for once, he didn't argue.

By that point they were both exhausted, both physically and emotionally, so they called it a night. They settled under the covers with Hal's head pillowed on David's shoulder and their arms around each other.

"It really is a good thing we slowed down," the programmer mumbled after they got settled. "You need to rest."

Dave grinned and moved his hand to his partner's hips. "So I guess I need to stay in bed all day tomorrow..."

Hal smacked the wandering hand and huffed in annoyance. "Is this a preview of what I'll have to deal with from now on?"

"If you don't want me jumping you then you shouldn't look so damn sexy all the time."

The hacker's face flushed hot and he meekly asked that they just go to sleep. His partner laughed and agreed, but only after one more quick grope. Once Hal was done squeaking in surprise and Dave was done laughing they settled in for the night.

When the dawn came on Sunday the light streamed into the east-facing window and woke Hal. He groggily pressed his face into the warm firmness he lay on and willed the sun to go back to sleep. It took a few minutes for the genius scientist to figure out exactly what—or rather who—he was lying on. His head shot up and he blinked against the sudden onslaught to his optic nerves. As his eyes adjusted David's sleeping form came into focus.

Hal blushed as the events of the night before came flooding into his memory, and had to stifle an overjoyed giggle. It was enough to bring the soldier back to consciousness. For a moment he blinked at his partner in confusion, but comprehension quickly dawned and that roguish grin was back. They kissed, made faces at their combined morning breath, and then fell back against the pillows laughing.

Once they calmed down Hal looked at the clock and sighed. Dave raised an eyebrow in question.

The hacker gestured to the mass of cords and computers already taking shape on the other side of the room. "I have to start decoding."

David didn't bother asking if it could wait; he knew it couldn't. He permitted himself a few more minutes in bed, spent lewdly watching his naked partner rummage around in a travel bag, before he too got up and made for his room to start morning exercise.

They both knew that this new dimension to their relationship wasn't going to make anything easier. If word got out that they were lovers it would make things a hell of a lot worse. Even so, the harder trials would be easier to bear with this new method of stress relief at their disposal. The comfort gained from a gentle caress, the boost in morale at a teasing touch, the deep contentment felt in the shuddering aftermath... they both felt it was all worth it.


End file.
